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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.

    “How old are you?” a tenant asked.

    “I’m 81 years old,” he answered.

    The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”
     
    slisse, May 3, 2020
    #1901
    curiousFred, Brutus58 and Insp Gadget like this.
  2. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    ​
    [​IMG] ​
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    Insp Gadget, May 3, 2020
    #1902
    curiousFred, slisse, Dane and 2 others like this.
  3. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    Told you they're the best ! :)

    [​IMG]
     
    Insp Gadget, May 3, 2020
    #1903
    curiousFred, slisse, oldman681 and 1 other person like this.
  4. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

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    [​IMG] ​
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    Insp Gadget, May 4, 2020
    #1904
    curiousFred, slisse and Brutus58 like this.
  5. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    A woman at our checkout counter didn’t have enough money to cover her purchase of toilet paper, so I paid the 96 cents.

    “Thank you,” she said.
    “I’m going to think of you every time I use this paper.”
     
    slisse, May 4, 2020
    #1905
    curiousFred, Insp Gadget, Brutus58 and 1 other person like this.
  6. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Visiting Annapolis, I noticed several plebes on their hands and knees holding pencils and clipboards. “What are they doing?” I asked our tour guide.

    “Each year, the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard,” he said.

    “So what’s the answer?” my friend asked.

    The guide replied, “One.”
     
    slisse, May 5, 2020
    #1906
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  7. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    ​
    I asked a guy from North Korea how things were.

    He told me, " I can't complain. "
    ​
     
    Insp Gadget, May 5, 2020
    #1907
    slisse, Brutus58 and oldman681 like this.
  8. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    ​
    What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth ?

    A gummy bear.
    ​
     
    Insp Gadget, May 5, 2020
    #1908
    curiousFred, slisse, Brutus58 and 1 other person like this.
  9. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    ​
    I once knew a guy who got himself addicted to drinking brake fluid.

    But he said he could stop any time.
    ​
     
    Insp Gadget, May 5, 2020
    #1909
    slisse, Brutus58 and oldman681 like this.
  10. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    ​
    [​IMG]
    ​
     
    Insp Gadget, May 6, 2020
    #1910
    curiousFred, slisse, Brutus58 and 1 other person like this.
  11. Brutus58

    Brutus58 Trusted.Member

    That's good. To bad I'm retired. Could have used that with my trainees.

    Must have landed on a flat note. (hehehehehe)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 11, 2020
    Brutus58, May 6, 2020
    #1911
    curiousFred, slisse and Insp Gadget like this.
  12. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    ​
    [​IMG] ​
    ​
     
    Insp Gadget, May 6, 2020
    #1912
    Dane, Brutus58, curiousFred and 2 others like this.
  13. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    [​IMG] ​
    ​
     
    Insp Gadget, May 6, 2020
    #1913
    Brutus58, oldman681 and slisse like this.
  14. curiousFred

    curiousFred Trusted.Member

    I used to cough to hide my farting, now I fart to hide my coughing.
     
    curiousFred, May 7, 2020
    #1914
    Brutus58, Insp Gadget, oldman681 and 1 other person like this.
  15. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    I grew up above my father’s tavern.
    When we were kids, we would race each other down the stairs every morning to sweep up the bar and find the change customers had dropped during the night.
    Years later, as an adult, I found out that my father would throw a few coins over the bar for us to find in the morning.
    It cost him only a dollar a day to have us fight to be the first one to clean the bar.
     
    slisse, May 7, 2020
    #1915
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  16. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    ​
    A guy goes to a $10 sex worker, and contracts crabs.

    When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, " What did you expect for ten dollars - lobster ? "
    ​
     
    Last edited: May 7, 2020
    Insp Gadget, May 7, 2020
    #1916
    slisse, Brutus58 and oldman681 like this.
  17. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    ​
    Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg ?

    Because none of them stops to ask for directions.
    ​
     
    Insp Gadget, May 7, 2020
    #1917
    slisse, Brutus58 and oldman681 like this.
  18. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    ​
    How is life like toilet paper ?

    One day you're on a roll, next day you're taking shit from somebody.
    ​
     
    Insp Gadget, May 7, 2020
    #1918
    slisse, Brutus58 and oldman681 like this.
  19. Brutus58

    Brutus58 Trusted.Member

    That's what I call a smart dad.
     
    Brutus58, May 8, 2020
    #1919
    Insp Gadget and slisse like this.
  20. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, “Any suggestions for painting dogs?”

    Another responded, “Wait till they’re asleep.
     
    slisse, May 8, 2020
    #1920
    kool69, Insp Gadget and londonboy49 like this.
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