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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

  1. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Hi, folks

    I'll try to post a joke here each day for you (and of course each one will be amazingly funny :) ) I gather that Comedy is likely not at the top of this Organization's Mission Statement, but hey, searching through porn is hard work, so one needs a chuckle break every so often :) .

    And in the classic tradition of jokes, my first offering here will start with ...

    A man walks into a bar... and notices that his friend is sitting alone, staring at a very tiny man on a table, who is playing the piano.

    " Wow, that little fellow's good, " he says, " And look how small he is, hardly a foot tall ! Where did you find him ? "

    "Oh," his friend replies, " there's this genie round the back of the bar, and she grants you whatever wish you want. "

    So, the man goes around to the back of the bar, and sure enough, there sits the genie.

    " You grant wishes right ? "
    " Yep."
    " Okay, I'd like a million bucks. "

    Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar.

    " Hey, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks ! "

    His friend replies, " Yeh, she's a bit hard of hearing at times. Do you really think that I asked for a twelve inch pianist ? "


    pepper, Ironmikie, Jamesmc and 28 others like this.
  2. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Thank you for this one but I know other great ones will follow :)
    kool69 likes this.
  3. antoncg

    antoncg Trusted Member

    Now we're in for some goodies. :D :D:D
  4. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Oakville On Sundays

    If you look at a map of the area of Ontario where I live, you will see that there's my Mississauga, then west of it is Oakville, then west of that there's Burlington.

    There is a commuter train connecting them, and one Sunday my car was in for repair, so I needed to take the train from my home in Mississauga, to my Church in Oakville.

    At the ticket counter, I was informed that the train doesn't stop at Oakville on Sundays ... it goes straight through to Burlington. But I needed to get to Church, so I bought the ticket anyway, thinking that I could figure it out later.

    Once I was in the train, and we were approaching Oakville, I decided to try asking the conductor.

    " Sir, I really need to attend Church this morning. Is there any way that you could stop at Oakville ? "

    "Ma'am, we don't normally stop at Oakville on Sundays, but I think that I have an idea for you. We do slow down going by the station, and I think that you might be able to hop off onto the platform. But you must make sure to keep running when you land, so that you don't fall down. And we cannot be held responsible. "

    " Okay, " I replied, " I'll give it a try. "

    As we approached the station, the train began to slow down. The conductor stood beside me at the door, and we neared the platform.

    " Jump now ! " he yelled, and so I did. My feet hit the platform, and my legs pumped as fast as they could, trying to keep me upright.

    As I ran and ran, the rest of the train was passing by me. A conductor on a car behind me saw my situation.

    And when he had caught up to me, he reached out of his car, grabbed me by my coat collar, and hauled me onto the train.

    " You are a very lucky lady, ma'am, " he said to me. " We don't normally stop at Oakville on Sundays. "


  5. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    I knew that some smart ass male would spoil it.
  6. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Thank you, slisse. Yes, it was churchus interruptus.
    annab2 likes this.
  7. antoncg

    antoncg Trusted Member

    Groans that last pun was atrocious. :D:D:D
    annab2, mlie and jamie jackson like this.
  8. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Can someone please explain to me the 'sheep' thing that seems to go on around here ? :)
    michael69, annab2 and antoncg like this.
  9. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Dark Country Road

    One night, a fellow was driving down a dark country road, with a lady whom he'd met earlier.

    And at one point, she nudged him, and asked him if he could pull over and 'take care of her'.

    'Dammit,' he thought to himself, 'This woman is insatiable. First it was before we'd had dinner, then it was after dinner ... before the show ... during intermission ... and now on the way back to my place. This is wearing me out!'

    But then he spotted the lights of a bar just down the road, so he drove a little farther, and pulled off the road into a small alcove across from it.

    " Honey, " he begged, " You are so beautiful, so sexy, and I want you so bad ... but would you mind if I went across the road and got a bit refreshed first ? "

    " Alright, " she replied. " But be quick about it. "

    So out of the car he got, and staggered through the darkness to the bar.

    Once he'd been seated and served a drink, he noticed that there was a fellow sitting beside him, and a plot began to form in his head. 'That fellow is about my size and build, he looks energetic, and it's really dark outside ...'.

    " Hello, sir, " he began, " Would you mind doing me a favour, while I relax here and enjoy a drink ? Then afterwards, I'll be heading home. "

    Well, it didn't take long for the arrangements to be made, and the deal struck. Then off strutted the lucky beneficiary towards the car, within which he was soon performing like a champion.

    Shortly thereafter, a police car came cruising down the road, and the officer spotted the car. So he pulled over near it, walked up, banged his flashlight on the roof, and shone it into he car.

    " Okay, what's going on in here ? ", he demanded.

    " Oh, officer, everything's fine ... she's ... my wife. " the fellow offered.

    " Oh, I'm sorry", the cop replied, " I didn't know that. "

    " Well neither did I, " the fellow continued, " Until you shined that flashlight in here ! "


  10. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Account Deleted

    I think we've all lost the plot on that one :D
    annab2 and mlie like this.
  11. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    The Vice President

    Marge's hubby Tom was very excited about his promotion to vice president of the company he worked for. But Tom's wife Marge was somewhat irritated that he had kept bragging about it for weeks on end.

    Finally Marge couldn't take it any longer, and she said to him, " Tom, get over yourself. You become a vice president, and now you think you're a Joey Bidet or something ! It's no big deal, you know. Heck, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store ! "

    " Oh, really ? " he said, and quickly left the room.

    But a lingering, nagging doubt remained in his head, 'I wonder if they really do have a vice president of peas ? '

    So, Tom decided to take the direct approach, and he called up the grocery store.

    A clerk answered. Tom asked, " May I please speak with the Vice President of Peas ? "

    " Sure, hun, " she replied, " Canned or Frozen ? "


  12. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    I must preface this joke, by saying apologetically in advance, that it is the official national pastime up here, to poke fun at our dear southern neighbours. It is all in good spirit, and we would love to receive a poke back ... heck, we could use the attention ! :)

    Canada USA Relations

    An avid Canadian fisherman once decided to cross the Peace Bridge, go over to Lewiston, and fish the American side of the Niagara river.

    Once there, he settled down on a quiet dock, and began to successfully fill his bucket with some nice fish.

    But then out of the red-white-and-blue, a USA game warden approached him and demanded, " Could I see your fishing licence, please ? "

    Upon being handed the licence, the game warden laughed and said, " That thing is no good ... it's a Canadian fishing licence ! "

    To which point the Canadian replied, " Yes, and that is why I am only catching Canadian fish".

    " Oh really, " returned the USA fellow, " So show me what's in your bucket. "

    So the fisherman reached into his bucket, pulled out a fish, and asked the warden, " What kind of fish is that ? "

    The warden looked, determined that it was a smallmouth bass, and inquired, " So what makes you think that fish is Canadian ? "

    " Well, " the fisherman replied, " If it was an American fish, it would have had a big mouth. "


  13. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    The Clever Nuns

    There were two Nuns in the Convent who were so clever, that the other Nuns had nicknamed them. One of them was known as Sister L (for logical) and the other as Sister M (for mathematical).

    One evening, they were out walking and they lost track of the time. It began to get dark as they were still far away from the Convent.

    Sister M : " Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past twenty-three minutes ? I wonder what he wants. "
    Sister L : " It is quite logical, Sister M. He wants to fuck us. "

    Sister M : " Oh, no ! At this rate he will reach us in 17 minutes at the most ! What can we do ? "
    Sister L : " Well, the logical thing to do would be to walk faster. "

    And so they did, but a little while later ...

    Sister M : " It's not working. "
    Sister L : " Yes. The man did the only logical thing, and started to walk faster, too. "
    Sister M : " So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. "
    Sister L : " The only logical thing we can do now is to split up. You go that way, and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. "

    And so they did, and the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent first, and began to worry about what had happened to Sister L. But shortly afterwards, Sister L arrived.

    Sister M : " Sister L ! Oh, thank God you are here. Tell me what happened ! "
    Sister L : " The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. "

    Sister M : " Yes, yes ! But what happened then ? "
    Sister L : "The only logical thing happened ... he reached me. "
    Sister M : " Oh, dear ! What did you do ? "
    Sister L : " There was only only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. "

    Sister M : " Oh, Sister ! What did the man do ? "
    Sister L : " The only logical thing he could do. He pulled his pants down. "
    Sister M : " Oh, no !! What happened then ? "
    Sister L : " The most logical thing. A nun with her dress up, can run way faster than a man with his pants down. "


  14. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Mahatma Gandhi

    Mahatma Gandhi, as you may know, walked barefoot most of the time.

    This habit produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

    He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

    So adding all that up ...

    …. It made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


  15. jerrilynn

    jerrilynn Trusted Member

    Face palm!!! LOL
    jamie jackson likes this.
  16. jerrilynn

    jerrilynn Trusted Member

    If you scroll through some of the older posts in general discussion, you'll see we have taken a few shots at our northern friends. All in good natured fun, of course.
    scouter_John and mlie like this.
  17. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    :) Good grief, jerrylinn, there's a hundred pages of stuff !! And it's only a bit past 8am here !

    Okay then, but I'll need to brew another pot of tea. (You know, if only the morning ten-yard tea-and-pee dash were an Olympic event ... ) :) Jamie
    scouter_John, annab2, antoncg and 3 others like this.
  18. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    No need anymore to run back and forth, we, the Belgian monks, are very happy to present you our new invention so that you'll be able to stay seated while looking at those hundred pages of stuff!

  19. jerrilynn

    jerrilynn Trusted Member

    Leave it to those monks to find a solution to every problem.
    Danny Boy 1966 and annab2 like this.
  20. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Thank you!