A Joke For Today

Thought I’d ad one.

some people ask about my irrational fears. I tell them I have a fear of speed bumps. I’m slowly getting over it

 

Great come back! What was his response?

 

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

 

Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?' The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan. Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'

 

'Doctor Mayo,' John says, 'Whenever I get up after a sleep, I feel dizzy for half an hour, then I'm all right.''Then wait for half an hour before getting up,' replies Doctor Mayo conclusively.

 

Iain speaks frantically into the phone, 'My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart.''Is this her first child?' the doctor queries.'No, you idiot.' Iain shouts. 'This is her husband.'

 

A lad asked his mom if he was adopted. She said, “Not yet, but we placed an ad.”

 

What's the difference between a fisherman and a schoolboy?
One baits his hooks, the other hates his books.

 

Two schoolboys are talking to each other. One of them says that after school ends, he'll have to go shopping with his parents, because they need to buy some things.

The other boy says: "And I don't, because now we have everything we need".

The first one asks him: "How do you know"?

He answers: "Because yesterday Dad came home in a Corvette convertible, and Mom said "Goddamnit, Chris, that's the last thing we needed!"

 

Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray!
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon.

 

Stevie: Hey, Mom, I got a hundred in school today!
Mom: That’s great. What in?
Stevie: A 40 in Reading and a 60 in Spelling.

 

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He told me, 'I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I continued, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
He added, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.'
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
He said, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.'
I inquired, 'Well then, why in the world would you be crying?'
He replied, 'I can't remember where I live.'