A Joke For Today

Kassiopeets !!!!!!!!!!!

 

Son: “My math teacher is crazy”. Mother: “Why?” Son: “Yesterday she told us that five is 4+1; today she is telling us that five is 3 + 2.”

 

A father who is very much concerned about his son’s bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school.

After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He’s getting “A”s in math.

The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: “Why are your math grades suddenly so good?” “You know”, the son explains, “when I walked into the classroom the first day, and I saw that guy on the wall nailed to a plus sign, I knew one thing: This place means business!”

 

At the start of the exam, the invigilator says, “You have exactly 2 hours. I will not accept any papers after this time has elapsed.”

Two hours later, the invigilator calls out, “Time’s up, Ladies and Gentlemen.”

One student is still scribbling away ten minutes later when the invigilator has all the collected papers in a large stack front of him. Slowly, the student finishes up and walks over to hand in his paper, but the invigilator refuses to accept it. The student puffs up his chest and says:

“Do you have any idea who I am?”

“No,” says the invigilator.

“Great,” says the student as he slips his paper into the middle of the stack.

 

READ THIS OUTLOUD and do it to your friends. I AM SOFA KING WE TOD DID. Hope you like the joke.

 

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”
An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

 

A pair of young newlyweds decide to go golfing at an upscale resort. They get up early Sunday morning, load up their clubs, and drive the hour and half to the remote location. On the first tee, they are astounded to see multi-million dollar homes lining the course, the rising sun catching stained plate glass windows in a glittery display of decadence.

The husband leans to his wife and says "Love, please, play it safe and don't hit any of these homes. We can't afford to replace one of those windows if we break one!"

Nodding, his wife agrees, tees up, and smacks the ball mightily. With an ominous "woosh", they watch in growing terror as the ball slices right, making a beeline for the biggest house's most prominent window. The ensuing tinkling of glass confirmed all they needed to know: the window was broken.

Rushing over, the couple was frantically trying to figure out how to make amends. They arrive on the doorstep of the home and ring the bell. They hear a slight curse and the front door opens to show a man in a robe, behind him, the young woman's ball lying in the middle of a shattered vase.

The husband began talking fast. "Sir, I am so sorry about your window and vase. My wife and I don't have a lot of money though, so we cannot pay you for them. Please, is there anything else we can do for you?"

The man looked bewildered, looking from behind him to the young couple on his stoop.

"Young man, you've freed me! I am a genie, and have been trapped in that vase for two full millenia! It is I who should repay you! I will grant you and your wife one wish each."

Not believing their luck, the husband and wife agree to wish for wealth and fame unending. The genie folds his arms and nods smartly.

"Now, before you go, I have to ask a favor. I have not known the touch of a woman for over two millenia. I would like to bed your wife."

Flustered, the husband and wife look at each other and agree that the genie, should know the touch of a woman after so long, and so the wife goes upstairs with the genie.

After they finish, the genie lights up a cigarette, puffs on it, and looks at the wife. "How old are you, lady?"

"I'm 26!"

"And your husband?"

"He's 24."

Shaking his head and chuckling, the genie puffs on his cigarette again. "26 and 24, and you both still believe in genies?"

 

Ok dads at the dinner table with his 3 daughters, the first daughter tells him she’s a lesbian and is it ok?
He says “of course it is I’ll love you no matter what”.
The second daughter likes this and says “I’m also gay” dad he says “the same applies to you I’ll still love you”.
Third daughter then speaks up “me too dad”.

He sighs and says “god damn it does no-one in this house like guys”.
In walks his son “I do dad”

 

Where is the best place to get fish ?
.
.
.
.
..
Between the tail and the head.

 

The Belgian PM has enough of the French laughing at his fellow countrymen
In order to fix that, he calls the French president, asking him for a favour : doing something stupid, so that the world will laugh at France, for once.
After some negotiation, the French president agrees to build a bridge in the middle of nowhere, not above a river or anything.
The world then starts laughing at the French for building this useless bridge. But soon after, Belgium becomes the international joke again. Not understanding any of it, the Belgian PM decides to call the French President, asking for an explanation:
\- Dear Emmanuel, you assured me building this bridge would solve everything. Did you lie to me?
\- Dear Charles, I didn't. But it would help if Belgians stopped going fishing on the bridge.

 

A Dutchman is driving in Belgium when he hits a Belgian car.
The Belgian whose car he hit was upset, as it was severely dented and the Dutchman was clearly at fault. But the Dutchman, unwilling to pay for the damages, managed to calm him down by explaining to him how to remove the dents: "Just blow into the exhaust, and the dents will pop out in no time".
So the Belgian starts blowing and the Dutchman leaves. Ten minutes later, a police car stops to see what is happening, and the Belgian explains. But the Belgian policeman gets upset, exclaiming that "No wonder the Dutch think we are stupid. This will, of course, never work". "Why not?", the Belgian driver asks.
"Because your windows are open, you idiot", the policeman answers.

 

Two Belgian men are wandering around, far away from their town when they walk past a bus depot. One of the men has the idea to steal a bus, so they can go home.
The other man agrees and one of them climbs over the fence to steal a bus. After a lot of noise and two hours later, the man finally returns with a bus.
The other man asked what took him so long. The man responds: "The bus to Brussels was at the back of the building!"