A Joke For Today

A man comes home from a hard day of work only to find his wife laying infront of the fire place with her legs wide open. He asked, "Honey what are you doing?" She replied, "I'm heating up your dinner."

 

Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell. He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building. Superman thinks, "This is my chance!" He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says,"What the hell was that!?" The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, "I have no idea but it hurt like hell!"

 

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. She whispers in his ear: "That’s me before the surgery."

 

Kid to a pregnant girl at bus stop: "What are you expecting?" The girl says, "A bus." The kid turns to his friend and says: "Wow! I am 100% sure this chick got screwed by a Transformer!"

 

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

 

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake." The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

 

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As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.​

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It was his wife, urgently warning him: " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful ! "

" Hell, " replied Vernon , " It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them ! "

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What do you call a brunette between two blonds?







An interpreter.

 

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The leader of the local vegetarian society just couldn’t control herself anymore - she just had to try some pork.

So one day, she told the society members that she was going on a trip. And she packed like she was going out of town, but instead she headed to a nice restaurant.

Then after sitting down, she ordered a roasted pig with all the trimmings, and impatiently waited for this delicacy to arrive.

After just a few minutes, she heard someone call her name, and to her horror she saw one of her society members walking towards her.

And wouldn't you know it, at just that very same moment, the waiter walked over carrying a huge platter, on which lay a full roasted pig with an apple in its mouth !

“ Well isn’t that something,” cried out the vegetarian, “ all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with ! ”
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That's funny! My sisiter's children were raised Seventh Day Adventists. They are vegetarians and everything has to be Kosher. They get pissed when we all go to a restaurant and I order pork chops. HeHeHeHe

 

I have a vegetarian friend, she is as weak as piss, I just had 2 slices of bread, on top of that I placed 3 fried eggs,
tomato, smoked bacon and some herbs. As a diabetic I enjoy that once or twice a year. Sigh.

 

Great mid-east trash repellent, though !

 

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... The old philosopher is sitting in a cafe, revising his first draft of 'Being and Nothingness'.

He says to the waitress, “I would like a cup of coffee, please. And with no cream.”

The waitress replies, “I am sorry M. Sartre, but we are out of cream today. Would with no milk be okay?”
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... Mahatma Gandhi, as you may know, walked barefoot most of the time.

This habit produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail.

And if that wasn't enough - as a result of his odd diet, he suffered from intensely bad breath.

So taking all that into consideration ... he must have been a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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LOL!!!! Walt Disney is spinning in his for sure!