A Joke For Today

Definitely a need for a better snowblower!!

 

Two termites are sitting at a bar. One turns to the other and asks,

" Could you tell me please, where is the bar tender ? "​

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So last night I crossed a turkey with a crab.

And today ...

Drumsticks for everybody !​

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A farmer and his wife were driving down the road when he reached over and grabbed her tit and said, "if we could get these things to give milk we'd get rid of that cow we have" and he laughed and laughed.
A bit later he grabbed her crotch and said, "if we could get this thing to lay eggs we'd get rid of that chicken we have" and again laughed and laughed.
A bit later his wife smiles and grabs his crotch and says, "if we could get this thing to work we'd get rid of your brother"

 

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... Supersex !

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

And as she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and yell, "Supersex!"

One time, she ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair and did her flip routine - Supersex !

The old fellow sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup, please."

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In a courtroom, a man is being judged …

Judge: “ What is your crime, sir ? ”
Old man: “Theft, your Honour. ”
Judge: “ And what did you steal ? ”
Old man: “ Canned peaches. ”
Judge: “ And how many of them were in the can ? ”
Old man: “ Six, your Honour. ”
Judge: “ Fine, then - you will be in jail for six days, one day for each piece.”

Right after this, his wife quickly stood up.

“ Wait ! He also stole a can of peas ! ”​

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Count Your Chickens ...

Mikey, the farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him,
when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open !

Well, chickens scurried off in all different directions, but Mikey, being determined, walked all over the neighbourhood,
scooping up wayward birds, and returning them to the repaired crate.

Then hoping he had found them all, he reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst from his dad.

'Pa, the chickens got loose,' Mikey confessed sadly. 'But I managed to find all twelve of them !'

'Well, you did real good, son,' the farmer beamed. 'Cause you left with only seven !'

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Importance of a name
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Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

 

That' a good one. I have to remember it.

 

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

 

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''

 

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Johnny: "HIJKLMNO"!!
Teacher: What are you talking about? Johnny: Yesterday you said it's H to O!