A Joke For Today

I took a cab in a strange town, i asked the female driver if there were any houses of ill repute in the town, oh yes she says there are lots, ok take me to the cheapest i asked, your in it she says

i asked to stop at a cash machine as i only had a 50p coin on me, it's ok she says, i have change

 

Have you heard about the prostitute and the leper ? He told her to keep the tip.

 

Ooh booo lol.

 

Amen!

 

The posh old lady was being driven to her charity luncheon by her chauffeur. Aile after leaving the estate the mother coughed, sputtered and died. The chauffeur pulled the car to the side of the country lane.
He got out and raised the bonnet and peers into the engine trying to ascertain the problem is that. After five mimutes the impatient matron in the rear of the Rolls Royce called through the open window.
"Would you like a screwdriver?" and the chauffeur replied,
"Might as well Madam, I can't fix the bloody car."

 

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

 

A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1,000 a year!"

 

Make love, not war. Or if you want to do both – get married!

 

Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

 

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

 

“What does the word ‘gay’ mean?” asked a son his father.

“It means ‘happy’,” replied the father.

“Oh,” contested the son, “so you are gay then?”

“No, son, I have a wife.”

 

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

 

My wife left me for an Indian guy. – I know he’s going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows

 

What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman?

The woman. They always lie about their weight.