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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. Master ozz

    Master ozz Good,bad,ugly

    My wife divorced me recently because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I can think about now is how to win her back.
     
  2. Master ozz

    Master ozz Good,bad,ugly

    One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody; unless you are in prison.
     
    amiraj, curiousFred, EggHead and 3 others like this.
  3. Master ozz

    Master ozz Good,bad,ugly

    My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

    I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.
     
    amiraj, curiousFred, Brutus58 and 2 others like this.
  4. Master ozz

    Master ozz Good,bad,ugly

    I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!
     
    amiraj, Brutus58, Hal and 1 other person like this.
  5. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Doug and Bill went out drinking one night and did not get home until the wee hours.

    They see each other the next day at work.

    Bill asks, "Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?"

    Doug replies, "No, but that did not keep her from talking for two hours!"
    .
     
    amiraj, EggHead, Brutus58 and 2 others like this.
  6. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    'I'm your slave,' she said breathlessly, 'Make me feel completely helpless and worthless.'

    So I locked her in the shed and went to the pub.
     
  7. Master ozz

    Master ozz Good,bad,ugly

    Little Johnny complains to mom at home, “Mom, our teacher really doesn’t know anything. He keeps asking us!"
     
    amiraj, curiousFred, EggHead and 2 others like this.
  8. Master ozz

    Master ozz Good,bad,ugly

    Little Johnny walks a cow through the village square.
    -
    The mayor sees him and asks, “Hey Johnny, where are you going with the cow?”
    -
    “I’m taking her to the bulls so she would get pregnant,” answers Johnny.
    -
    The mayor is shocked, “Surely your father had better be doing that?”
    -
    Little Johnny thinks about it for a bit and shakes his head, “Nah, I think it’s really best left with the bulls.”
     
  9. Master ozz

    Master ozz Good,bad,ugly

    Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”
    -
    Mrs Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair!”
    -
    Little Johnny is relieved, “OK Mrs Roberts, sorry, I haven’t done my homework.”
     
    amiraj, EggHead, Brutus58 and 2 others like this.
  10. Master ozz

    Master ozz Good,bad,ugly

    Teacher asks, “Who can tell me the chemical formula for water?”

    Little Johnny pipes up, "HIJKLMNO"!

    The teacher is puzzled, “What on Earth are you talking about, Johnny?”

    Little Johnny looks hurt, “But sir, you yourself said yesterday that it's H to O!”
     
  11. Master ozz

    Master ozz Good,bad,ugly

    Q: What’s the downside of being a redneck kid at Christmas?

    A: You just have one set of grandparents to get presents from.
     
  12. Master ozz

    Master ozz Good,bad,ugly

    I wonder what dirty talk looks like in sign language.
     
    curiousFred and Brutus58 like this.
  13. Master ozz

    Master ozz Good,bad,ugly

  14. Master ozz

    Master ozz Good,bad,ugly

    A boy asks his Dad one day, "Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

    His Dad replies, "Because she was conceived in Paris."

    The boy says, "Ahh, thanks Dad."

    His Dad says, "You're welcome, Backseat."
     
  15. Master ozz

    Master ozz Good,bad,ugly

    What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

    One's really heavy, the other's a little lighter.
     
    curiousFred, Neophyte and Brutus58 like this.
  16. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Grandpa was celebrating his hundredth birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

    "Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled.

    "I have been in the open air, day after day, for some 75 years now."

    The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

    "Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago.”

    “On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.

    "Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved to be wrong would go outside and take a walk."
    .
     
    Zarp, amiraj, Brutus58 and 3 others like this.
  17. curiousFred

    curiousFred Trusted.Member

    Many people find it almost impossible to lose weight, anyway I have developed a way it can be done easily.
    You eat like a bird and shit like an elephant.
     
  18. Master ozz

    Master ozz Good,bad,ugly

  19. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    He said... "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way."

    She said... "Well, you succeeded."
     
    Zarp, Brutus58, curiousFred and 2 others like this.
  20. Master ozz

    Master ozz Good,bad,ugly

    “When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born".
     
    Neophyte, Brutus58 and curiousFred like this.
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