A Joke For Today

On my first day in prison, my cell mate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you."

"When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me."

"You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great," I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

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Doctor Titus, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane.

When her turn came, she went into the doctor his office, and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It is a miracle!”
“You walked in bent in half and now you are walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

"He gave me a longer cane", she said.

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Overheard a conversation today with the milf next door telling her friend she was about off to have 20 minutes with the cucumber on the couch before her husband came home.

Very disappointing when I nipped over the fence and peered through the window, to find her on the couch fully clothed and two slices on her eyes.

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I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

 

"There's actually little data to show that Asian children are any smarter than children of other races. It's really just a matter of perception, as I concluded from my research."

Said my Chinese neighbour's three-year-old son.

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Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.
That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an IKEA chair together.

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My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied lubricant.

 

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody's laughing now.

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A man comes into the ER and yells 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs.

I was in the wrong one.
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