A Joke For Today

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!"

 

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry

 

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

 

“A man and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” Then stormed off to work.
By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer?” he asked.
“I was in bed,” she replied.
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion.”

 

Unexpected sex – that’s a great way to wake up.
If you are not in a prison.

 

A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, “What were you and daddy doing?” The mom said, “We were baking a cake.” A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, “Were you and daddy baking a cake?” She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, “Because I licked the frosting off the couch.”

 

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!” Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.” Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s mom asked, “Really small, was it?” Sally replied, “No, salty.” Mom fainted.

 

The teacher asked Jimmy, “Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?” Jimmy replied crying, “Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!’

 

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

 

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!” The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.” The trucker replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”

 

What’s slimy, cold, long and smells like pork?
Kermit the frogs finger.

 

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ”Why are you going to sleep on the floor?” The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”

 

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

 

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra.
The mom asks, “Why on Earth do you need that?!”
The little boy says, “Isn’t that what you give daddy when his sh*t doesn’t get hard?”

 

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

 

Why did God give men penises?
So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.

 

What did the elephant say to a naked man?
Hey that’s cute but can you breath through it?