A Joke For Today

Well, jerrilynn, I've looked and looked, and tea'd and peed, but all I could find is that my Nuns joke had already been posted earlier by Grizzly Bear.

So ... I'll just have to offer one of my own :

Summer Vacation in a Foreign Land

One summer, a couple from Montana decided to go to Canada for their holidays.

So they drove north across the border, stopped at a dinosaur park, and then continued northeast.

After driving for a couple of days, they began to realize that they were lost. So when they'd found a small town, they pulled over to ask a pedestrian for directions.

" Hey buddy, can you tell us where we are ? "

The pedestrian smiled, and said "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan", and then went on his way.

The driver turned to his wife and said, " Well, honey, we're in serious trouble. We still don't know where we are, and they don't even speak English here ! "



Jamie

 

There is a thread entitled "For our Canadian friends". Not so much jokes like this but with pictures.

 

The Money Challenge

A fellow became very short of money. So, one day he asked another man what he could do to earn some.

" Well, the man replied, " I'll give you $1,000 if you can complete three tasks. "

" And what would they be ? " asked the fellow.

" You need to knock out a wrestler, pull a loose tooth out of a bear's mouth, and screw an old lady. "

So the guy quickly ran up to the wrestler, and proceeded to punch him out.

He then leapt into the bushes after the bear. Several minutes went by, and he was heard rolling around and moaning. But before long, he finally emerged triumphant.

He then approached the man and asked, " Okay, now where is that old lady who needs her tooth pulled ? "



Jamie

 

Did you mean to say that it wasn't Latin?

 

I believe it started some time ago when antoncg mistook what another IB member was stating. He ingeniously blamed the mistake on his alter ego (a talking sheep named "Shaun"). It is still a running joke! Anton changed his avatar to what we all recognize as "Shaun". It took me almost two months to figure this out as I've only been a member since 04 November 2014. antoncg has since been the IB version of human in charge of a small flock of sheep (all imaginary). The CGI series "Shaun the Sheep" properly demonstrates the popular reception of the fictional series. Two thumbs up!

 

I'm sorry I just don't get this!

 

Joey Bidet is supposed to be Joe Biden. I think the reference to Vice President of Peas in actually a reference to VP's or multiple Vice Presidents.

 

Thank you joep! I was wondering if it was a bathroom joke (bidet) or just my obtuse nature!

 

Anna, I took it that he was being all puffed up, and annoying, with going on about his fancy new job title. And she was trying to bring him back to earth, by pointing out that fancy titles are far too common these days.

Heck, all you gotta do is walk into a department store, and every clerk on the floor is a 'manager of lingerie' or a 'director of dresses' or something !

And when he phoned the grocery store, he discovered that this phenomenon is real. I think that her 'Joey Bidet' quip was just her sarcastic way of bringing VP Biden into her advice for emphasis.

Jamie

 

The Passing Of Old Fred

Old Fred had been a religious man all his life, and he was now in the hospital, in a dire condition.

So on one visit, Fred's family called their preacher to stand with them by his bedside. And as the preacher stood next to him, old Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate, and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The preacher lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper. And Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note. The preacher then respectfully placed it in his jacket pocket ... and old Fred passed quietly away from this Earth.

At the funeral, as the preacher was finishing his solemn message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing on the day Fred had died, and in its pocket were Fred's final words.

So he said to the gathered mourners, " You know, old Fred handed me a note just before he passed away. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, his words will be an inspiration for us all. "

Then he opened the note, and read out loud, " Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube ! "

Jamie

 

Definition: bidet (Fr) (noun) A plumbed bathroom fixture that complements the commode, toilet a plumbed bathroom fixture used to flush away elimination. Bidet (Am/slang) (noun) Seated location for a really big arsehole. Bidet (Cn/slang) (Pun)Referencing Vice President of the United States of America (VPOTUS) Joseph Biden (currently Ranked @ #2 Biggest Arsehole of Record. )

 

The Rorschach Test

The other day, I was visiting my shrink for my annual new year's tune-up. And he asked if I would like to take a Rorschach ink-blot test.

I agreed, so he poured some ink on a paper, folded it in half, opened it up and asked me what I saw.

Well, it was a clear depiction of a group of people intertwined in all manner of sexual activities, so I told him so.

And after he'd shown me the next one, I replied, " Why, that looks just like Candace and Ursula do when they are going at it ! "

And the third ... oh my, I had to struggle to describe the lustful, carnal image of raunchy intercourse displayed before me.

This went on for a few more, each one as steamy and erotic as the one before.

Afterwards, I asked him what all that had meant. And you know what he said to me ?

" Ma'am your mind is obsessed with sex ! "

What an utter nerve !! Bloody hell, he was the one with all the dirty pictures !



Jamie

 

ROFL!!!

 

Candace and Ursula Go Golfing

One morning after Candace and Ursula had awoken, they decided to go out golfing.

And after they had teed off, Ursula's ball was way over to the left, and Candace's had flown far to the right.

Candace eventually found her ball nestled within a patch of buttercups. So she grabbed a club, hacked through the buttercups, and managed to hit her ball back onto the fairway.

But as she was walking towards it, a shining apparition of a beautiful lady magically appeared in front of her.

" I am Mother Nature, " the vision proclaimed, " and you have damaged my buttercups. So from now on, you will not be able to stand the taste of butter, and its presence in your mouth will make you ill. "

And with that, the mysterious lady vanished as quickly as she had appeared.

Shaken by the event, Candace yelled over to her partner, " Ursula ! Have you found your ball yet ? "

" Yes ! " Ursula shouted back. " It's over here amongst some pussy willows. "

" No ! " Candace screamed to her, " Stop ! Don't hit the ball !! "



Jamie

 

Male Fashion Sense

Bernie was sitting in a café one day, enjoying his lunch, when he noticed his old friend, Big Matthew. And what really caught his attention, was that Matthew was wearing an earring.

Bernie knew his old friend to be a very conservative fellow, tough and macho, so he was curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense'.

So, he approached Big Mat and gently inquired, " Umm .. Big Mat .. I didn't know you were into, like, earrings and such. "

Big Mat somewhat sheepishly replied, " Oh ... that. No big deal, Bernie. Hey, it's only an earring. "

An uncomfortable silence ensued.

Finally it was Bernie's curiosity which got the better of him, and he inquired, " So ... Mat ... how long have you been wearing one then ? "

Matthew answered, " Umm ... if you must know ... ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment of my truck. "



Jamie

 

Yes, antoncg and londonboy, thanks for the likes.

Just don't let it give you boys ideas

Jamie

 

Wot me, no problem mate.

 

Thanks for those pretty good

 

Ripping good what!