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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Account Deleted

  2. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Account Deleted

    Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mummy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. " Are you giving up?"..
     
  3. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    The Origin of Curling

    Curling is a game quite popular in Scotland these days, and apparently has been played there from some forty thousand years ago, or something like that.

    Anyways, it was actually first invented by English women, in order to see if Scottish men were stupid enough to walk across a frozen lake, carrying forty-pound stones.

    And wouldn't you know it, they actually were !

    :)

    Jamie
     
  4. keeper66

    keeper66 New Member

    you naughty girl
     
  5. jerrilynn

    jerrilynn Trusted Member

  6. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    The Chicken At The Movies

    A man with a chicken on his shoulder approached the window of a movie theater, and asked for two tickets.

    " Who's the other ticket for ? " the attendant asked.

    " It's for my pet chicken, " he said, pointing to the bird.

    " I'm sorry, " the attendant informed him, " but we don't allow animals into the theater. "

    So the man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken down into his pants. He then returned to the ticket window, bought a ticket, and went in and sat down.

    Soon the chicken started to get too hot, and was fidgeting around. So the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark, unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.

    The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. So she nudged her friend and whispered, " Psst ! This man next to me just unzipped his pants ! "

    She replied, " Oh, don't worry about it. Happens all the time. If you've seen one, you've seen them all. "

    The first woman then whispered back, "I know, I know. But this one's eating my popcorn ! "

    :)

    Jamie
     
  7. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    The Old Question & Answer

    He:...Can I buy you a drink ?
    She: Well actually, I'd rather have the money.

    He:...I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
    She: I'm a plastic surgeon. And I've been looking for a face like yours.

    He:...Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice ?
    She: Must've been once. I try to never make the same mistake twice.

    He:...Say, your face must turn a few heads.
    She: And I'll bet yours has turned a few stomachs.

    He:...Haven't I seen you some place before ?
    She: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

    He:...If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
    She: If I saw you naked, I'd likely die laughing.

    He:...Honey, I want to give myself to you.
    She: Sorry, but I don't accept cheap gifts.

    He:...How do you like your eggs in the morning ?
    She: Unfertilized, please.

    ...Just kidding, guys :)

    Jamie
     
  8. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Interplanetary Relations

    An Earthling couple took a voyage to Mars. And after a bit of exploration, they come upon a Martian couple.

    So they exchanged greetings, and then started talking about all sorts of things. Well of course, the subject of sex eventually came up.

    " So, just how do you guys do it ? " asked the Earthlings.

    " Pretty much the way you do, " responded the Martians.

    Further discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night, and experience one another.

    So the female Earthling and the male Martian went off to a bedroom, where the Martian stripped down.

    The Earth woman took a look and commented, " Uh, not meaning to be impolite, but your member is quite small and narrow for pleasing an Earth woman. "

    " No problem, " the Martian said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. And with each slap of his forehead, his member grew, until it was quite impressively long.

    " Well," she exclaimed, " That is quite impressive, but it’s still kind of narrow. "

    " No problem, " he said again, and started pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grew wider and wider, until its girth became very exciting to the woman.

    " Wow ! " she exclaimed, " Now we're talking ! " And they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love all night.

    The next day, the couples rejoined their own partners, said goodbye, and each couple went off together.

    As the Earth couple walked along, the man asked, " Well, was it any good ? "

    " I almost hate to say it to you, " she said, "but it was really wonderful. So how about you ? "

    " Well, " he replied, " It was the weirdest thing. The Martian woman kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night. "

    :)

    Jamie
     
  9. Princess Amy

    Princess Amy Account Deleted

  10. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Amy, I love that.

    And I guess that ignorant fellow had not heard of America's 'Navajo Code Talkers' who made an inspirational contribution for their country :

    http://history1900s.about.com/od/worldwarii/a/navajacode.htm

    (And I love your new avatar ... seems native in its serenity.)

    Jamie
     
    SecretWishes likes this.
  11. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Bedside Confession

    A lady's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

    One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. And as she sat by him, his eyes full of tears, he whispered to her :

    " You know what ? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you comforted me. When we lost the house, you stayed right with me. And now that my health is failing, you are still by my side.

    ...And you know what else ? "

    " What dear, " she gently asked, her heart filled with warmth.

    " I'm starting to think that you’re bad luck. "

    :)

    Jamie
     
  12. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Account Deleted

    You are sooooo naughty :D
     
  13. PyroDaddy

    PyroDaddy Account Deleted

    What do you call a bull who masturbates?

    A: Beef stroke-it-off
     
  14. antoncg

    antoncg Trusted Member

    *Groans, holds nose and runs out of room* ...*looks in* That was bad PyroDaddy. ;)
     
    annab2 and PyroDaddy like this.
  15. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Duck Jokes

    So, a duck walks into a convenience store and says " Give me some Chapstick, please. Oh, and put it on my bill. "

    A woman walks into a bar with her pet duck.
    And the bartender says, " Hey, where'd you get the pig ? "
    So the woman retorts, " This isn't a pig. It's a duck ! "
    And the bartender replies, " I wasn't talking to you, ma'am. I was talking to the duck. "

    A devout cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
    Three weeks later, a duck walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
    So the cowboy took the precious book out of the duck's mouth, raised his eyes Heavenward, and exclaimed, " It's a miracle ! "
    " Not really, " said the duck. " Your name is written inside the cover ."

    A customer walks into a grocery shop.
    Customer:... " How much does that duck cost ? "
    Shopkeeper: " Ten dollars. "
    Customer:... " Okay, and could you please send me the bill ? "
    Shopkeeper: " I'm sorry, but you have to buy the whole bird. "

    [​IMG]

    Jamie
     
  16. PyroDaddy

    PyroDaddy Account Deleted

    A middle age woman is in her doctor's office, complaining that her husband isn't sexually interested in her any more.
    Doc: No problem, we have a little blue pill for that.
    Woman: My husband will not take pills, not even aspirin.
    Doc: No problem, this pill will dissolve in any hot beverage. Just put it in his coffee when he's not looking.
    A few days later, there's screaming coming from the doctor's waiting room. A nurse runs in and says they have a woman in hysterics, threatening to kill herself. He has the nurses bring the patient into his office.
    It's the same middle age woman.
    She finally calms down enough to tell her story. She slipped a pill into her husband's coffee and he drank it. A few minutes later, his eyes got really big. He got up, threw her onto the table, then pulled her skirt up over her head.
    He proceeded to make love to her. It was the best sex she had ever had since their honeymoon.
    Woman: It was awesome sex! I came over and over! I wanna die! I wanna die!
    Doc: If the sex was that good, why do you want to die?
    Woman: You don't understand, doctor. They'll never let us in Starbucks ever again!!!!!
     
  17. annab2

    annab2 Trusted Member"It ain't pretty being easy!"


    Very, very cute!:D
     
  18. annab2

    annab2 Trusted Member"It ain't pretty being easy!"

     
    jamie jackson likes this.
  19. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Anna, I haven't heard that expression in years. One of my hubby's relatives (Scottish woman) used to say that.

    But the way she said it, sounded like 'Lord luv a duck!' and I gathered that it meant something between frustration and 'I give up.'

    Jamie
     
  20. annab2

    annab2 Trusted Member"It ain't pretty being easy!"

    quote="jamie jackson, post: 207391, member: 28157"]Anna, I haven't heard that expression in years. One of my hubby's relatives (Scottish woman) used to say that.

    But the way she said it, sounded like 'Lord luv a duck!' and I gathered that it meant something between frustration and 'I give up.'

    Jamie[/quote]

    Yeppers! It can be used either way!;)
     
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