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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. jerrilynn

    jerrilynn Trusted Member

  2. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    On the Other Hand

    A professor gave his class an assignment.

    And this assignment was so important, that the only acceptable reason reason for not finishing it, would be if you were sick, or if a close relative had died.

    So some smart aleck raised his hand and said, " What about sexual exhaustion ? "

    The whole class burst out laughing.

    And after the laughter had subsided, the professor replied, " Well maybe you should consider using the other hand. "

    Jamie
     
  3. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Girls Night Out

    One night, two wives went out for a girls night.

    Both got drunk, and as they were walking home, both had to have a pee.

    So they spotted a cemetery nearby, ran over to it, and proceeded to relieve themselves.

    But then, they realized that they had nothing to wipe with.

    One used her panties, then just tossed them away.

    The other grabbed a ribbon from a wreath on a grave, and then she threw it away, too.

    The next morning, one husband called the other and said, " These girls nights out are getting out of hand. My wife came back with no panties ! "

    The other said, " You think that's bad ? Mine came back with a card stuck between her bum cheeks that read, 'From all of us at the Fire Station ... We'll never forget you.' "

    :)

    Jamie
     
  4. Dirtymonkey77

    Dirtymonkey77 Trusted Member

    Lol
     
  5. Dirtymonkey77

    Dirtymonkey77 Trusted Member

    Guy walks into a bar. See's a mason jar full of money, asks the bartender "what's that for?". Bartender says, "I have a donkey out back, I've been offering the money to anyone that can make the donkey laugh, and if you can't. You owe me $40". Guy has a few beers and then tells the bartender, "I'll be right back". Man goes out back, comes back in a few minutes later and asks for the jar of money. Bartender is curious so goes to check and unbelievably, the donkey is laughing hysterically?? Baffled, the bartender comes back in and gives the man the jar of money. The man thanks him and leaves.

    About a week goes by, same man comes back to the bar and again see's another jar of money? He asks the bartender, "what's this for?". Bartender says, "the donkey is still laughing and we can't get him to stop?! If you can get the donkey to stop laughing, you get the jar of money, if you can't. You put in $40". Man again has a few beers, goes out and comes back in asking for the jar. Bartender doesn't believe it? Goes out and checks.. Sure enough, the donkey isn't laughing anymore, he's now crying and sobbing. Scratching his head, he comes back in and gives the man the jar.
    As the man starts to leave, the bartender stops him and ask, "first you got him laughing, then you made him cry. What did you do that no one else could?".
    Man says, "so last week, I went out and whispered in the donkeys ear, "my dick is bigger than yours".

    Bartender nods his head understanding but asks, "but how did you get him to stop and why is he crying?".

    Man stands up, goes to the door turns around and replies, "this time.. I showed him I wasn't lying".
     
  6. jerrilynn

    jerrilynn Trusted Member

  7. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Account Deleted

  8. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Account Deleted

  9. joep

    joep Trusted.Member

  10. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Account Deleted

    An employee comes into her manager’s office to take a day off from work. The manager replies, So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
     
  11. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Urinalysis Man

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess that I better go see a doctor."

    " Listen Jack, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. " There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore on the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars ... a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor. "

    So ... Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar, and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout :

    'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.'

    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. So he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. And then for good measure, he masturbated into the mixture.

    Next morning, Jack hurries back to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and eagerly awaits the results.

    The computer prints the following :

    'Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.'
    'Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.'
    'Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.'
    'Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours.'
    'And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.'

    :)

    Jamie
     
  12. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Account Deleted

    A gas station in Halifax was trying to increase it's sales. So the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex With Fill-Up." Soon a Canadian pulls in, fills his tank, and then asks for his free sex. The gas attendent tells him pick to a number from 1 to 10 if he guesses correctly, he will get his free sex. The Canadian says, "7" The gas attendent says, "You were close, sir, but the number was 6. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, the same Canadian, along with his buddy, pulls in for a fill up. Again he asks for his free sex and again the gas attendent gives him the same story and asks him to guess the correct number. The Canadian says, "5" The gas attendent says, "Sorry,it was 4. You were so close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the Canadian says to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." The buddy replies,"No, it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.
     
  13. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Haunted from the Grave

    An old man and woman had remained married for years, even though they actually hated each other.

    Whenever they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. And a constant chilling statement was heard by the neighbours who feared the man the most :

    " When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave, to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ! "

    They also believed that he practised black magic, and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared, and enjoyed the respect it garnished for himself.

    But one day, predictably I suppose, he died abruptly, under strange circumstances. And at the funeral he remained sealed in a closed casket.

    Long story short ... after the burial, his wife and the neighbours went straight to the local bar, and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

    The gaiety of their actions was extreme, but her neighbours could not help but ask, " Are you not afraid ? Concerned ? Worried ? About this man who practised black magic, and had stated that when he died, he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ?? "

    Finally, the wife put down her latest drink and said, " Listen. Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down. "

    :)

    Jamie
     
  14. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    The B.B. King Tattoo

    There once was a lady who was a big fan of the great music of B.B. King.

    And by great good fortune, one day she was listening to the radio, when the announcer was giving away backstage passes to ... none other than, B.B. King !

    When she discovered that she was one of the ticket winners, she decided to go and do something unique to impress her favourite blues singer when she met him. So, she went down to the local tattoo shop, and asked the artist to put a 'B' on each of her butt cheeks.

    On the evening of the concert, she really enjoyed the show, and after the performance was over, she proceeded to the backstage area.

    "Mr. King, " she began upon meeting him, " I have been a fan of yours for quite some time. And to prove it, I would like to show you something special. "

    With that, she turned around, dropped her pants, and bent over to proudly display her artwork for him.

    " Oh, my, that is very nice, " B.B. responded. " But who the heck is Bob ? "

    :)

    Jamie
     
  15. antoncg

    antoncg Trusted Member

    Took me a second. *Groans*:rolleyes:
     
  16. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    A Father's Pain

    A married couple went to the hospital, to have their baby delivered.

    Upon their arrival, the doctor said that he had invented a new machine which would transfer a portion of the mother's pain to the baby's father. And when he asked if they were willing to try it out, they agreed.

    So the doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, thinking that even 10% was probably more pain than the father would have expected. However, as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine, and asked the doctor to go ahead and 'kick it up a notch'.

    The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure, and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point. So they decided to try for 50%, and the husband continued to feel quite well.

    Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband then encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.

    Well, his wife delivered a healthy baby boy, while experiencing virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

    Later on in the day, all were dismissed from the hospital, and they all headed happily for home.

    Where they found their next door neighbour ... lying dead on the porch.

    :)

    Jamie
     
  17. jerrilynn

    jerrilynn Trusted Member

  18. Irish_Incest

    Irish_Incest Trusted.Member

    A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
     
  19. Irish_Incest

    Irish_Incest Trusted.Member

    Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
     
  20. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin

    A woman who had previously divorced ten husbands, decided to remarry one more time.

    And on their wedding night, she told her new husband, " Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin. "

    " What ? " asked the puzzled groom. " How can that be, if you've been married ten times ? "

    "Well, " she explained :

    Husband #1 was a sales representative, and he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but he wanted three years to research, design, and implement a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from human resources and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never quite sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist, and all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist, and all he ever did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was li ... God, I miss him !

    " But anyway, now that I've married you, I'm really excited ! " she concluded.

    " Well, that's good," said the new husband, " but, why ? "

    " Because you're a lawyer. " she explained. " So this time, I know I'm gonna get screwed ! "

    :)

    Jamie
     
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