A Joke For Today

A tycoon in China passed away...

His widow, left with $1.9 billion in the bank, remarried his chauffeur.

His chauffeur said, "All the while I thought I was working for my boss. Now only I realize that my boss was all the time working for me!!!”

 

A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday" Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.

One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.

"Well" the guy says, "I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can't be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18"

The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say "happy birthday, happy birthday!"

The bartender asks "so which one died?"

"No one."

"But you only ordered two drinks!"

"Yeah, well, I've given up drinking."

 

I'm so old that I've heard a few that no-one remembers. The version I heard the patron only ordered 2 drinks but I couldn't find that version.

 

A man went to Africa to do some game hunting. While there, he hired a young native to accompany him as his guide. Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim. The guide grabbed his arm and said "Oh, no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you"! The man figured that was only a superstition of the natives and shot one down. Then the rest of the flock returned and pooped all over him. He hollered at the boy, "I must have some water right away to wash this mess off". The boy said "Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately"! Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off. Sure enough he dropped dead then and there. The moral of this story is "If the foo shits, wear it."

 

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over ( oh FUCK). The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

 

Little Johnny’s father had just returned home from a business trip, and he had a romantic evening planned with his wife. So, he sent his two older kids to the movies, but he couldn’t persuade Little Johnny to go along.
Finally, he made a deal with Little Johnny, “If you go sit outside of the house, I’ll give you five dollars for every man you see go by in a red hat.”
An excited Little Johnny agreed.
Some time later, Little Johnny ran into the house and up to his parents bedroom. He banged on the door and shouted, “Hey, Dad, if you think your getting screwed in THERE, just wait until you come outside ’cause there’s a Shriner's parade going past our house.”

 

A man and his wife are playing the fifth hole at their club when he slices his drive so far to the right it rolls into an equipment barn. He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."

He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her.

A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."

He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains, "No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole!"

 

Jesus and Moses are playing golf in Heaven when they come to the par-three 17th hole, a long carry over water to an island green. Moses tees off with a 3-wood and hits the green. Jesus takes out his 5-iron and says, "I'm going to hit a 5-iron because Arnold Palmer would hit a 5-iron from here."

Jesus tees it up and hits a lofted iron shot that finishes 25 yards short of the green and in the water.

Jesus turns to Moses and says, "How about parting the water so I can play my ball where it lies?"

Moses says, "No way. You foolishly chose the wrong club because of your Arnold Palmer fantasy and I'm not going to be a party to it!"

Jesus shrugs and starts walking on the water to where his ball went in. Just then, a foursome approaching the tee box sees Jesus walking on the water.

One of them asks Moses, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?"

Moses turns and says, "No, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"

 

One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying. Her friend begged her to share what was wrong. "Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and.. and... and you know, he's a married man!"