A Joke For Today

Good one ... thanks !

Jamie

 

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner “Mom &
Pop” grocery store and picking out a pretty good size box of laundry
detergent.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy
if he had a lot of laundry to do.
“Oh, no laundry sir” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my Labrador retriever.”
“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your Labrador. It’s very powerful and if you wash your Labrador in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill your Labrador.”
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his Labrador Retriever.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his Labrador was doing.
“Oh, he died,” the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry
the Labrador died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your Labrador retriever.”
“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed my Labrador.”
“Oh? What was it then?”

“I think it was the spin cycle!”

 

“A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s
chest.After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean
you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on
in amazement, the Labrador stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom.
Labrador Retriever then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the Labrador on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

 

A guy was driving around and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Labrador For Sale ‘
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him that the Labrador is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Labrador replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Labrador looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a Labrador would be eavesdropping.’
‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married with a beautiful Labrador Retriever, had a mess of cutest Labrador Puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy was amazed. He went back in and asks the owner what he wants for the Labrador.

‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This Labrador Retriever is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that.’

 

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

 

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order.
One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.
"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"
So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"
The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."

 

A burglar is stalking stealthily around the living room of the house he's just broken into. He jumps with fright when he suddenly hears a voice behind him saying "Croaoak, beware, Jesus watches you"
He turns around, swings the beam of his flashlight in to direction the voice comes from and sees what indeed the voice had made him think once he was over his first fright: a parrot. The bird repeats "Croaoak, beware, Jesus watches you"
The burglar walks up to the cage and asks "And what may your name be? The parrot answers "Coco." The burglar sniggers and says "I've always found that a very stupid name for a parrot." The parrot answers "Maybe, but not half as silly as Jesus for a Pitbull terrier"

 

Londonboy, those jokes would have made the Monty Python troupe's heads spin.

So to settle things down a bit, here is something completely different :

Trying Something Different

The leader of the local vegetarian society just couldn’t control herself anymore. She just needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like.

So one day, she told the members that she was going on a vacation. She packed like going out of town, but headed to the nearest restaurant.

After sitting down, she ordered a roasted pig with all the trimmings, and impatiently waited for this delicacy to arrive.

After just a few minutes, she heard someone call her name, and to her great chagrin, she saw one of her fellow members walking towards her.

And wouldn't you know it, at just that same moment, the waiter walked over, holding a huge platter, on which lay a full roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.

“ Well isn’t that something,” said the leader to the member, “ all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with ! ”



Jamie

 

Today's is not so much a joke, as it is a random collection of the origins of some words and phrases.

I cannot vouch for the veracity of these (my not having been around for most, if not all, of them ).

So if anyone knows different, or has others, that would be great.

Funny Origins

Fuck
The word 'fuck' is said to actually be an acronym that originated in medieval times, during the black plague to keep the population from dwindling (shrinking). It stood for: Fornicate Under Command of the King, The true origin of this word predates "Fornication Under Consent of the King". Originally the Acronym FUCK was the term used to describe the act of rape. It stands for "Forced Unlawful Carnal Knowledge." In its original use it was considered to be the most unacceptable act imaginable and hence the word became almost taboo. Over the years the use has been adapted into daily conversation but the underlying emotion of its use have remained.

Donkey Punch
Donkey punch is a slang term for a supposed sex move performed during doggy style or anal sex. The move involves the penetrating partner punching the penetrated partner in the back of the head or neck immediately prior to orgasm, accompanied in most tellings of the technique with a victorious cry of 'Donkey punch!'. The alleged purpose is to cause the muscles around the vagina or anus to contract around the penis or dildo, creating a supposedly enhanced orgasm. The term may refer to the surprised party "bucking" (like a donkey). A variation of the practice may be enacted to distract the female, allowing for the surprise penetration of the anus. Such actions are potentially prosecutable; surprise penetration is rape. The move could also be performed on a male during anal sex, and also by a female with a strap on dildo. In reality, punching someone in the back of the head (rabbit punching) can damage the brain stem, causing death or permanent injury. It is illegal in professional boxing for this reason.

Hooker
Prostitutes who followed General Joesph Hookers rowdy bunch of troops during the civil war (1860s). Although the term has been mentioned previously in history. It is undoubtedly when the term became prevalent in American slang.

Son of a Gun
The nautical explanation is that in the age of sail, women, wives, mistresses, and prostitutes, were frequently on board ship when in port or sailing in home waters and occasionally children would be born aboard ship. Common sailors slept on the gun deck and when on board, their wives and mistresses would sleep there too. If a child were born on board, it would likely be born on the gun deck. If male, such a child was referred to as a son of a gun. This legend dates back to the mid-19th century. Admiral William Henry Smyth wrote in his 1867 book, the Sailor's Word-book, that is one of the primary sources for data on 19th century nautical lingo:

Papprazzi
Paparazzi, plural of Paparazzo, comes from the name of a character in Fellini's La Dolce Vita. In the movie, Paparazzo was a photographer who would go to great lengths to take pictures of American movie stars.

Nerd
A variation on the name of ventriloquist Edgar Bergen's (Candice's father) brainy dummy, Mortimer Snerd or quite possibly a character from a Dr Seuss Book published in 1950 "If I Ran The Zoo" "I'll sail to Ka-Troo And Bring Back an It-Kutch, a Preep and a Proo, A Nerkle, a Nerd, and a Seersucker, too!"

Redneck
Redneck dates to 1830, when it was first used to denote the Presbyterians of Fayetteville, Georgia. But it wasn't until 1893 that the term was used in the modern sense of a poor, white farmer or labourer. The significance of the name is somewhat obscure. Three explanations are commonly offered. First, it could be a reference to a ruddy neck caused by anger. Second, it could be a reference to sunburned necks caused by working in the fields all day. Finally, it could be a reference to pellagra which turns the neck red. The original reference to Presbyterians may be to poor, Scotch-Irish farmers that was later expanded to a larger economic class.

Rule of Thumb
Most think it comes from the original rule of thumb that appeared in English Common Law. The law said that a man could not beat his wife with a stick that was thicker than his thumb. Beating her with smaller sticks was permitted, and in some regions encouraged, to keep the woman in her place.
...............................

Well ! This woman sure knows her place ... and it's right here

Jamie

 

And now much to Jamie (General) Stonewall Jackson's delight we present:​

​

Comments from the Famous LTD Doggie​

​

#1. Fuck--Correct​

​

2. Donkey Punch--Never actually heard that one before but it makes good sense. Never hit anyone on the back of the head unless you are Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs of NCIS.​

​

3. Hookers--Correct. Prior to this those woman and other sorts were known as "Camp Followers" because they tended to follow in the wake of the Army of the Potomac.​

​

4. Son of a Gun--Another good one. Now tell us why the bathroom aboard ship is called "The Head?"​

​

5. Papprazzi--How the heck would I know. I'm not Italian. Ask Antoncg or one of his sheep.​

​

6. Nerd--Humm. Ask Antoncg about this one too.​

​

7. Redneck--The second one was the only one I ever heard about.​

​

8. Rule of Thumb--a unit of measurement for the British inch and like the foot was measured against the King's thumb or foot at the time.​

​

--Signed,​

The Doggie ​

 

It is elementary, my dear. The toilet was placed in the bow (head of the ship) to keep it downwind.

This of course was necessary on the olden day ships, which were mostly manned by men (appropriately and alliterally enough).

Nowadays, however, many ships are staffed by women, so the placement really doesn't matter ... because ours doesn't stink.



Jamie

 

Who knew, This is a place of deep wisdom and learning...

 

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find north America

Maria: Here it is

Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

Class: Maria

 

Teacher: John, why are you doing you math multiplication on the floor?

John: You told me to do it without using tables

 

Teacher: Glen, how do you spell "crocodile"

Glen: K.R.O.K.O.D.I.A.L.

Teacher: No, that's wrong

Glen: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it

 

Teacher: Harold, how do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

Harold: A teacher

 

London, those are sooo bad ... that they're good !



Jamie

 

Well, you deserve some credit from Monk's College of Unusable Knowledge.

Now since you seem to be healthy enough to return to duty after your trip to Sweden, Stonewall Jackson, General Lee would like to have a few words with you about your absence at Gettysburg.

 

Genrl. Lee : " Jamie, where were you ? "

Stnwl. Jamie : " Out. "

Genrl. Lee : " Who with ? "

Stnwl. Jamie : " Friends. "

Genrl. Lee : " You seem upset. What's wrong ? "

Stnwl. Jamie : " Nothing. "

Genrl. Lee : " How did everything go ? "

Stnwl. Jamie : " Fine. "



Jamie

 

I highly doubt that would be your reception.