A Joke For Today

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's
a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front
door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says.

"That's cool." Says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda
shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I
hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks
Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw;
she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the
evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost
breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams
the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DANG IT DADDY!
IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

 

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, and then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It was only a bug, Honey."

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

 

A Bare Minimum of Bear Jokes

You gotta love those Irish scientists.
They tried to cross a grizzly with a harp, and all they got for their trouble was a bear faced lyre.

Question : What do you call bears without ears?
Answer : B.

One day up in the Arctic, I saw two bears jerking each other off.
I guess they must have been bipolar.

Question : What do you call an Ursid who's all wet ?
Answer : A drizzly bear.

Another team of scientists managed to cross a bear with a pig !
Yep. They got a teddy boar.

Question : What do you call an old Ursid who has lost all his teeth ?
Answer : A gummy bear.



Jamie

 

A X-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma,
how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'



Grandma replied, 'Honey , my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister The minister said, 'Hello son, is your
Grandma
home? '

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend.'

 

The Nudist Colony

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, did you call for me?"

The man replied, "No, what do you mean?"

She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer.

"You must be new" answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked. "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities."

"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."​

 

Nice one Jamie!

 

The Wisdom of Older Women

For his birthday, a man decided to have a face-lift.

And after the final treatment, he was feeling really good about the results.

On his way home, he stopped at a news-stand and bought a paper. But before leaving, he said to the sales clerk, " I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am ? "

" Oh, about 35, " was the reply.

" I’m actually 47 ! " the man crowed, feeling really happy with himself.

Then after that, he went into McDonald's for lunch, and asked the cashier the same question. The reply was, " Oh, I'd say you look about 29. "

" Well, I'm actually 47 ! " he beamed.

Later on , while standing at a bus stop, he asked an old woman the same question.

She replied, " Honey, I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. "

" What was that ? " the man asked.

" Well, if I put my hand down your pants, and play with your equipment for a while, " she explained, " I will be able to tell you your exact age. "

As there was no one else around, the man thought 'what the heck' and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Several minutes later, the old lady said " Okay, I'm done. You are 47. "

Stunned, the man exclaimed, " That was brilliant ! How did you do that ? "

The old lady replied, " It's not very difficult. I was standing behind you at McDonald's. "



Jamie

 

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

 

.
Oh yeh, this place is a-rockin' an' a-rollin' ... so let's keep 'er goin' :

The Born Loser

A fellow who was somewhat of a loser, was having a hard time picking up girls.

So one night, his well-travelled friend took him to a nightclub in Daytona, where he had assured him that he would score for sure.

And after the loser had entered the bar, he got his bearings, and chose his prey.

Then he began to barrage her with pick up lines that he had acquired from his friend.

The young lady continued to patiently ignore him, until finally she gave in.

" Okay, " she said, " I’ll spend the night with you. But I’ve got to let you know up front that I’m on my menstrual cycle. "

" That's okay, " the loser assured her so sincerely, " I’ll just follow you on my Moped. "



Jamie

 

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra.
Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off.
Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted.
'What happened?' the man asks. 'You were in there for hours and yet youre not only alive but youre sweating like crazy?'
The cockatiel pants, 'Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs a frozen chicken?'.................

 

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one
evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle
her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began
moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed
her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her
breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm,
caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side,
passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he
proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion
of her
leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly
stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she
asked in a loving voice,

'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'.

 

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.....
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

 

Two women in Heaven

Two women meet in Heaven and strike up a conversation.

1st woman: Hi! My name is Maria.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.​

 

THE GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN AND MAN

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes like Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 90, a man is like the Middle East , ruled by nuts....

 

Gotta Pee

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girls nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''​

 

this thread is killing me hahahahhahaha

 

I Don't Often Tell Blonde Jokes,​

But When I Do ...​

​

​

One day at the sex shop, the boss had to leave for the day. So he put his understudy in charge of the shop.

About an hour into the day, a brunette lady came in and asked, " How much for your black dildos ? "

The guy replied, " Thirty bucks. "

" And how much for your white dildos ? " she continued.

The fellow replied, " Thirty bucks for the black, and 30 bucks for the white. "

So she took the black one and left.

A while later, a redhead came in to the store and asked, " How much for your white dildos ? "

The man responded, " They're thirty bucks for the white ones, and 30 bucks for the black ones. "

So she took the white one and left.

About another hour later, a blonde walked through the door and asked, " How much are your dildos ? "

The guys said, " All of our dildos are thirty bucks. "

Then she pointed up to a shelf behind the guy, and asked, " How much for that green one up there ? "

The guy answered, " Oh, that one is special. That will cost you $250. "

The blonde agreed, and took it.

Towards the end of the day, the boss came back and asked his assistant, " So, what did you sell today ? "

His assistant proudly proclaimed, " Well, I sold a black dildo for thirty bucks, a white dildo for thirty bucks, and a 2-liter of Mountain Dew for $250 ! "



Jamie

 

Thx fun