Joke of the Day 2

The thread A Joke for Today is up to 108 pages. Time to reset. Here's the first.

"
Two Scotsmen go to Hell. A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? Their kind are normally very friendly, helpful and honest, so we do not see many such men in my dark domain... Hang them in a cage over the lake of fire for now and I shall check on them later.

"But when the devil flew up to the cage to check on the Scotsmen, he found them happily lounging around with their shirts off.

"What is the meaning of this?" The devil cried. "You're supposed to be in torment!"

The Glaswegians looked surprised "Naw" they said "it's pure quality taps aff weather here man. It's no drab an' dreek like Scotland, you know that way?

"Fuming, the devil flew to the great thermostat of Hell and cranked it all the way to the top. And the next day, the temperature was so high that even the demons were sweating, the stones of hell were melting and the flames from the lake of fire were leaping higher than ever before.

So the devil was surprised when he visited the Scotsmen and found that they had somehow procured plastic lawn furniture and Buckfast tonic wine.

Raising a glass to the devil, one of the Scotsmen said "Hey big man! If I'd known it was so lovely an warm doon here, I'd've done a whole lot more sinning! Weather's always shite in Glasgae. Always freezin' ma nuts off, you know?"

"I see." The devil replied, smiling though clenched teeth "your dismal country has given you a great love of heat. The hotter it is, the happier you are. Well, we'll see about that.

"So saying, he flew to the great thermostat of Hell once more, but this time, he turned it all the way down.

The next day, the lake of fire was frozen solid for the first time, sinners were frozen in blocks of ice and demons huddled in corners for warmth, their teeth chattering.

But when the devil visited the Scotsmen, he found them jumping for joy, tearfully cheering "Scotland! SCOTLAND!!!"

The devil's jaw dropped. "What? Why? How? I burn you and you are happy! I freeze you and you celebrate! What is wrong with you?

"One of Glaswegians turned back and said "Is it no feckin' obvious ye daft bastart? Hell's frozen over! Scotland's won the world cup!"

 

- Mom, are there laws in heaven?
- No, son, to have laws you need politicians and lawyers.

- What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
- A vampire only sucks your blood at night.

- How are lawyers like atomic bombs?
- Everybody has them because everybody else has them, but everybody would rather not use them.

The judge asks the defendant:
- So you insist that you don't want a lawyer?
- No, I intend to tell the truth.

God decides to take Satan to court to settle his scores once and for all. When he tells Satan, he laughs and replies, "But where will you find a lawyer? They are all in Hell.

A doctor and a lawyer are chatting at a party when another guest approaches them and says to the doctor:
- Excuse me doctor, but I'm very tired, I'm having trouble breathing, my nose is stuffed up and I'm aching all over.
- It's probably nothing more than an allergy. Take any antihistamine and an aspirin; have my card, and if you haven't improved in a couple of days, call me and I'll examine you.
The man walks away very happy and the doctor says to the lawyer:
- I get annoyed by people with nonsense like that. Do you think I should charge them?
- Of course, the lawyer replies.
The next day, the doctor arrives at his office and finds a bill from the lawyer.

In a trial, the lawyer turns to a witness he is cross-examining and says to him,
- You seem to be a pretty honest person.
The witness replies:
- Thank you, counsel, if you were not under oath, I would return the compliment.

 

Thanks Slisse

 

Terrorists storm the Palace of Justice with 500 lawyers inside. They take the lawyers hostage and demand 10 million euros and a plane to escape to safety, otherwise "we will release the lawyers one by one".

 

Joke Quotes;

Chuck Norris......

Death once had a "Near Chuck Norris Experience"...

Ghosts tell Chuck Norris stories at a campfire.....

When Chuck Norris steps on a Lego, the Lego yells "ouch!"....

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris....

When Chuck Norris is in Rome, the Romans do as Chuck Norris does....

The Swiss army uses Chuck Norris knives.....

There has never been a hurricane named Chuck Norris because it would have destroyed everything....

 

Oh, my favorite...

SuperMan wears Chuck Norris underwear.....

 

Haha, have a Pepsi!

 

- If the vagina and the penis were military, which would have a higher rank?
- The vagina - answers a pupil.
- And why is that? asks the teacher.
- Because the penis sees the vagina and becomes firm.

- Doctor, I've come to the surgery because my right leg hurts a lot.
- How old are you?
- 87 years old.
- That's normal, it's just age-related.
- Doctor, the other leg is the same age and it doesn't hurt.

An 80 year old man goes to the doctor to ask if he can have children with his 60 year old wife, the doctor gives him a jar and says:
- Bring me a semen sample.
A few days later the man returns to the doctor's office and says:
- Doctor, I have not been able to bring the semen sample.
- But have you tried?
- Yes, first with my right hand, then with my left hand, then my wife, first with both hands, then with her teeth, but it's impossible, we haven't managed to open the jar.

- Doctor, how was the operation?
- But I'm not a doctor, I'm Saint Peter.

Two friends are walking through the jungle and one of them has to urinate, he goes behind some trees and suddenly starts shouting. The other friend comes running up and asks him what's wrong.
- I was urinating and a snake bit me on the tip of my penis.
- I'm going to call the doctor.
The doctor tells him over the phone:
- Don't worry, you just have to suck it out until all the venom comes out.
When the conversation with the doctor is over, his friend asks him:
- What did the doctor tell you?
- You are going to die.

In the evening the phone rings in the hospital emergency room:
- It's urgent, quick, our friend has swallowed a corkscrew. Come quickly.
After a while the phone rings again and the same voice:
- Doctor, it's no longer urgent. There's no need to come, we've found another corkscrew.

Four nurses meet in the hospital cafeteria and say:
- The doctor I fucked last night I think he was an anaesthetist.
- Why was he an anaesthetist?
- Because I felt nothing, but nothing at all
- I must have slept with the director.
- Why?
- He gave orders and I had to do all the work.
- Well, mine must have been a resident doctor, he kept asking, is everything all right, am I doing it right, is that how it's done, is that how it's done?
The fourth nurse had a very happy face and was asked:
- And who did you sleep with?
- I think he must have been a radiologist. It was wonderful. She said to me, turn on your side, now on your front, now on your back and when we finished she said to me, you have moved a lot, you have to do it all over again.

 

A fortune teller had to close her shop for a day because of "unforseen events"