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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

  2. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

  3. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

  4. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

  5. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

  6. Brutus58

    Brutus58 Trusted.Member

    It's not a joke, but a comment on liberal society.
     
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  7. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    A helicopter was flying toward Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s navigation and communications equipment. Due to the extreme haze that day, the pilot now had no way of determining the course to the airport. All he could make out was a tall building nearby, so he moved closer to it, quickly wrote out a large sign reading "Where am I?" and held it in the chopper’s window.

    Responding quickly, the people in the building penned a large sign of their own. It read: "You are in a helicopter."
    The pilot smiled, and within minutes he landed safely at the airport. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked how the sign helped him determine their position.

    "I knew it had to be the Microsoft building," the pilot replied, "because like any computer company’s help staff, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
     
  8. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. He drove the car around the block, listened carefully, then told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in for repair.

    At the shop I proudly recited, “The timing is off, and there are premature detonations, which may damage the valves.”

    As I smugly glanced over the mechanic’s shoulder, I saw him write on his clipboard “Lady says it makes a funny noise.”
     
  9. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Trusted.Member

  10. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Trusted.Member

  11. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Trusted.Member

    A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down. The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a hotel. It only has one room available.

    The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed." "I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

    Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold." "OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard." Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold." The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket." Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father, I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night." "You're right," says the priest.

    "Get your own blankets."
     
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  12. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Trusted.Member

    A well-off couple are having dinner in a restaurant when...

    a beautiful woman walks up to their table, passionately kisses the husband and says “I’ll see you later!”.

    Fuming, the wife asks “who the hell is that?!” and the husband calmly replies “my mistress”. Even angrier, the wife says “that’s it! I’ve had enough. I want a divorce”.

    Once again, the husband calmly replies “I understand, but you do know that with a divorce our shopping trips to Paris end; so do winter breaks; the Porsches and Ferraris in the garage go as does the yacht. It's your call.”

    As he’s finishing, a family friend walks into the restaurant with a blond and the wife asks “who’s Fred with?”. The husband replies “that’s his mistress” and the woman says “ours is much better looking”.
     
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  13. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.

    Recently, I was traveling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, "I think I’ll let Tom drive for a while."

    "Tom who?" I asked.

    My mother translated for me: "Tom Cruise, of course."
     
  14. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Trusted.Member

    Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

    A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

    A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

    Morris replied: "Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

    The doctor said: "I didn't say that. I said, You've got a heart murmur - be careful."
     
  15. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Trusted.Member

    An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100 %.

    The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said: "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

    The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
     
  16. china99uk

    china99uk Trusted.Member

    A coach load of nuns on the way to the seaside crashes and kills all the nuns. Queuing up to enter the pearly gates St Peter stops them by a font of holy water and says to the first nun “as a nun you have to answer whether you have ever touched a penis” the nun says “yes, with my finger” St Peter says “dip the finger in the holy water and enter heaven”. He asks the next nun the same question and she replies “I held one once” so St Peter says “put that hand in the holy water and enter heaven”. Suddenly there’s a commotion and a nun pushes to the front “whatever is going on?” says St Peter to which the nun replies “if I am going to have to gargle the holy water I want to get in before Sister Mary puts her arse in it!”
     
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  17. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member


    Q: What did one termite in a bar ask the other ?
    A: Where is the bar tender ?

    Q: What did one fly at the bar ask another ?
    A: Is this stool taken ?

    Q: What did one fish say to the other when they ran into a wall underwater ?
    A: Dam !!

     
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  18. Dane

    Dane Account Deleted

    I went to the dam to ask the dam man if I could have some of his dam water.
    "No" said the dam man, "You can't have any of my dam water!"
    So I told the dam man to keep his dam water.
    I don't really need any dam water anyway!
     
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  19. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    " And I don't give a damn for any damn man who don't give a damn for me ! " - and I don't remember who said that.
     
    Brutus58 likes this.
  20. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

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