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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    [​IMG]
    ​
     
    Insp Gadget, Jun 18, 2020
    #2001
    curiousFred, Brutus58, slisse and 1 other person like this.
  2. Manoir

    Manoir Trusted Member

    The great French writer Victor Hugo was also an enthusiast admirer of the ladies. One day he was vigorously flirting with a young lady.
    She said: Stop monsieur Hugo! My heart is already taken by another.
    He answered: Oh madame, no problem. I don't aim so high.
     
    Manoir, Jun 18, 2020
    #2002
    Badracer, curiousFred, Dane and 5 others like this.
  3. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

    She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”

    I told her, “How about the kitchen?”
     
    slisse, Jun 19, 2020
    #2003
    philbrown, Badracer, Brutus58 and 3 others like this.
  4. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.

    As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.

    When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips?"
     
    slisse, Jun 20, 2020
    #2004
    philbrown, Brutus58, curiousFred and 2 others like this.
  5. Biggi

    Biggi New Member

    Ba dum tish
     
    Biggi, Jun 20, 2020
    #2005
    curiousFred likes this.
  6. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    When I arrived at school for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.

    "For example, she’ll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I’ve even found her sitting at the wrong desk."

    "I don’t understand," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"

    The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Gulbrandsen, our appointment was tomorrow."
     
    slisse, Jun 23, 2020
    #2006
    Insp Gadget, Badracer, curiousFred and 3 others like this.
  7. incestlover97

    incestlover97 Trusted Member

    Lmao that’s a good one!!!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 24, 2020
    incestlover97, Jun 24, 2020
    #2007
    curiousFred likes this.
  8. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room.

    Weeks later I asked how it was going. “I was right,” he said. “I do get more exercise now. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the machine.”
     
    slisse, Jun 24, 2020
    #2008
    curiousFred, oldman681, Brutus58 and 1 other person like this.
  9. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Rushing to get to the movies, my husband and I told the kids we had to leave "right now"—at which point our teenage daughter headed for the bathroom to apply makeup. Her dad yelled for her to get in the car immediately, and headed for the garage grumbling.

    On the way to the multiplex my husband glanced in the rearview mirror and caught our teen applying lipstick and blush, which produced the predictable lecture. "Look at your mom," he said. "She didn’t put on any makeup just to go sit in a dark movie theater."

    From the back I heard, "Yeah, but Mom doesn’t need makeup."

    My heart swelling with the compliment, I turned back to thank this sweet, wonderful daughter of mine just as she continued, "Nobody looks at her."
     
    slisse, Jun 27, 2020
    #2009
    curiousFred, Brutus58, Insp Gadget and 2 others like this.
  10. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    [​IMG]
     
    Insp Gadget, Jun 29, 2020
    #2010
    curiousFred, Brutus58 and oldman681 like this.
  11. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    [​IMG]
     
    Insp Gadget, Jun 29, 2020
    #2011
    curiousFred, Brutus58 and oldman681 like this.
  12. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    [​IMG]
     
    Insp Gadget, Jun 29, 2020
    #2012
    curiousFred, Brutus58, Dane and 2 others like this.
  13. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    [​IMG]
     
    Insp Gadget, Jun 29, 2020
    #2013
    curiousFred, Brutus58, londonboy49 and 1 other person like this.
  14. Brutus58

    Brutus58 Trusted.Member

    Our gov. tried something similar. He ordered COVID-19 infected patients into nursing homes. You can figure out the results of that.
     
    Brutus58, Jun 30, 2020
    #2014
    Insp Gadget and curiousFred like this.
  15. curiousFred

    curiousFred Trusted.Member

    I have never been scared of anything in all my life, but the thought of ending up in a nursing home absolutely scares the shit out of me.
     
    curiousFred, Jun 30, 2020
    #2015
    leftout4, Brutus58 and Insp Gadget like this.
  16. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Trusted.Member

    Been the same across Europe. Absolutely appalling treatment of senior people.
     
    londonboy49, Jun 30, 2020
    #2016
    curiousFred, Brutus58 and Insp Gadget like this.
  17. chunky2923

    chunky2923 Trusted Member

    A man walks into a bar............OUCH!!
     
    chunky2923, Jun 30, 2020
    #2017
    curiousFred, Brutus58 and Insp Gadget like this.
  18. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Trusted.Member

    A woman shouts at her husband: “Have you been drinking again?! You promised me to try to be a different man!!”
    Her husband replies: “Guess what! The other man is drinking too.”
     
    londonboy49, Jun 30, 2020
    #2018
    curiousFred, Brutus58, oldman681 and 1 other person like this.
  19. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Trusted.Member

    A guy comes to work very sick and asks his boss for advice.
    The boss says, "You know, if it were me, I'd just go home and let my wife really take care of me in all aspects, if you know what I mean. Now go and do just that, Roger, you look pretty bad."
    The guy gratefully leaves and comes back the next day, looking much better.
    "So, how was it?" asks the boss, "Everything alright?"
    "Yes," replies the guy, "I feel much better, thank you. By the way, you have really nice furniture!"
     
    londonboy49, Jun 30, 2020
    #2019
    philbrown, curiousFred, Brutus58 and 2 others like this.
  20. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Trusted.Member

    A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..
    When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
    She demanded to know why the charge was so high “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay – I didn’t even have breakfast!”
    The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate,’ and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
    She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
    The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.”
    “But I didn’t use them.”
    ”Well, they are here, and you could have.”
    He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
    “We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here.”
    “But I didn’t go to any of those shows..” She Pleaded.
    “Well, we have them, and you could have.” was the reply.
    No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
    “But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his
    standard response.
    After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
    The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
    “But Madam, this check is for only $50.00”
    “That’s correct” she replied “I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me.”
    “But I didn’t sleep with you madam!” said the manager
    “Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”!!
     
    londonboy49, Jun 30, 2020
    #2020
    slisse, SecretWishes, Dane and 5 others like this.
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