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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

Thread Status:: Not open for further replies.

Page 87 of 136

Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

Thank God this summer is finally over - thought it would never end ...

Insp Gadget, Sep 11, 2019

#1721

curiousFred, slisse and oldman681 like this.
whitecoffee1 Moderator Staff Member

Frankenstein enters into a body building competition and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective.

whitecoffee1, Sep 19, 2019

#1722

Insp Gadget, slisse and Neophyte like this.
slisse Moderator Staff Member

slisse, Sep 22, 2019

#1723

curiousFred, Insp Gadget, londonboy49 and 3 others like this.
Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

One day, an engineer died and went to heaven. But, St. Peter said "I can't let you in because your name is not on the list." So the engineer went down to Hell and was let in. Well, he stayed there for a couple of days and then decided that, it was too hot and everything was inaccessible. So he built flushing toilets, air conditioning, running water and a lot of other things. One day God calls down and says to Satan, "So Satan, how's it down there in hell?? " and Satan says: "Well, it's great, I've got an engineer down here and he has build air conditioning, running water, flushing toilets, and I don't know what else, he's gonna build next. Then God asks, "You've got an engineer down there?" "That's a big mistake, send him up here right now!" and Satan replies, "No way this is the best thing that's ever happened to hell." and God says, "send him up or I'll sue!!" and Satan says smirking, "Now just where are you gonna get a lawyer??"

Neophyte, Sep 28, 2019

#1724

curiousFred, Insp Gadget, oldman681 and 1 other person like this.
Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub."

Neophyte, Sep 28, 2019

#1725

curiousFred, Insp Gadget, oldman681 and 2 others like this.
Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire".

The husband asks for sex. The wife says, "No."

Her husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"

She responds, "Yes."

He says, "Then, I'd like to call a friend."

Neophyte, Sep 28, 2019

#1726

curiousFred, Insp Gadget, oldman681 and 2 others like this.
borabora Moderator Staff Member

Two gentlemans stay at hotel reception desk, waiting for check-out.
"Nice afternoon today!" says one for small talk.
"Yeah, had a busy day..." replies another.
There comes a receptionist -
"So, Mr. Dickens, had you any items from tax free???"
"No!"
Another gentleman says,
"I know a famous English writer, he was also Dickens..."
"Yes, but my name is Hardy Dickens..."
"Wow! Pretty close to mine!!!" - and another gentleman shows his Barclays Gold Card.
There is written - DICK HARDENS...

borabora, Sep 30, 2019

#1727

curiousFred, slisse, oldman681 and 1 other person like this.
Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

I was at the Stadium one time watching a football game.

And just after the game had started, I noticed that the seat between me and the next guy was empty. This was unusual for a home game, so I asked him if he knew why.

" It was my wife's favourite spot every year, but sadly she has passed away. " he replied.

" Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, " I answered, " and there are quite a few empty ones on the other side of you, as well, I see. "

" Oh those, " he explained, " They're all at the funeral. "

Insp Gadget, Oct 1, 2019

#1728

slisse, londonboy49, curiousFred and 2 others like this.
Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall... The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

Neophyte, Oct 2, 2019

#1729

slisse, Insp Gadget, londonboy49 and 2 others like this.
londonboy49 Trusted.Member

londonboy49, Oct 3, 2019

#1730

curiousFred, slisse, Insp Gadget and 1 other person like this.
Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

Insp Gadget, Oct 6, 2019

#1731

curiousFred, slisse, londonboy49 and 3 others like this.
Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “ Dad, why are you doing that ? ”

His father replied, “ Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. ”

Johnny started looking worried at that point, and said, “ Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mum. ”

Insp Gadget, Oct 11, 2019

#1732

curiousFred, slisse, Neophyte and 3 others like this.
Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

The other day, I caught an 'immigrant' trying to pick the lock on the trunk of my car.

So I told him, " You behave yourself you bastard, you're in there for a reason. "

Insp Gadget, Oct 11, 2019

#1733

Dane, curiousFred, slisse and 3 others like this.
slisse Moderator Staff Member

slisse, Oct 14, 2019

#1734

Dane, curiousFred, Insp Gadget and 2 others like this.
ALovingBrother Account Deleted

One evening a chap decides to go for a walk along the sea front, as he reaches the pier he finds a woman in a wheelchair crying her eyes out. What's wrong? He asks. She tells him she is very lonely and has never had a boyfriend because of the chair, and that she has never even been hugged. He thinks for a moment, and leans in to give her a great big hug and she loves it, but when he stops she is still crying. What's wrong? He asks again. Well, I've never been kissed, she says. So he thinks again, and has a look round to see that no one is around, and leans in to give her a big sloppy kiss which she also loves, but after she is still crying again. Now what's wrong? He asks. Well, I've never been fucked, she says. So he thinks again, and looks around again, and he picks her up, carries her to the end of the pier and throws her into the sea. What did you do that for? She screams, as she bobs around in the water. Well, says the man, you're fucked now aren't you!

ALovingBrother, Oct 14, 2019

#1735

slisse, Insp Gadget, oldman681 and 1 other person like this.
Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

The other night, my children and I were sitting in the living room having a chat.

" Kids, I never want to stay alive in a helpless state, where I am dependent upon a machine, and constantly intaking fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens just pull the plug." I said to them at one point as we were speaking.

So the twits went and unplugged my computer and poured all my liquor down the kitchen sink !

Insp Gadget, Oct 15, 2019

#1736

SecretWishes, curiousFred, Neophyte and 2 others like this.
ALovingBrother Account Deleted

A chap is on a bus one evening when a nun gets on. He fancies the pants off her so he goes and asks her out, but she is a woman of God only and declines. So he asks if she fancies a bunk up, again she declines saying her purity is only for the lord. She gets off and he decides to ask the bus driver if he knows anything about her, and he says she prays in the graveyard every Wednesday.
So the next Wednesday he decides to dress up as Jesus and pay her a little visit. He tells her she has served the lord well and deserves a night of lovemaking as recompense, to which she jumps at the chance, but asks him to do her up the bum so she can keep her vow of chasisty, no problem he says and they get to it.
Afterwards, they lay there tired, sweaty and in a daze. He pulls off his mask and says haha I'm the guy from the bus, and then the nun takes off a mask and says, haha I'm the bus driver

ALovingBrother, Oct 17, 2019

#1737

Insp Gadget, Neophyte, curiousFred and 4 others like this.
slisse Moderator Staff Member

slisse, Oct 18, 2019

#1738

Insp Gadget, Neophyte, curiousFred and 2 others like this.
slisse Moderator Staff Member

Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin.

They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

“Aye, so I have, tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints.”

“And then there was something called -Happy Hour- and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o- those.”

“Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o- course I had to go in for a couple of Guinnesses – could not be rude, ye know.”

“Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...”

“And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.”

The officer sighed, and said, “Sir, I am afraid I will need you to step out of the car and take a breath analyzer test.”

Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Dont ye believe me?”

slisse, Oct 19, 2019

#1739

Insp Gadget, oldman681 and curiousFred like this.
curiousFred Trusted.Member

londonboy49 said: ↑

Click to expand...

That picture scared the shit out of me.

curiousFred, Oct 19, 2019

#1740

oldman681 likes this.

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