A Joke For Today

I like that! Very good. Funny.

 

My wife is a member of the National Ski Patrol. I can't wait to tell this one to them at some meeting.

 

Thanks, bud - and remain perfectly stoic up there when it comes to the punch-line part, okay - don't say a word, just scan the crowd for that one nervous-looking guy.

Hey - or maybe you'll get lucky and some guy'll jump up out of instinct and yell out, 'Wasn't Me !'

 

Great threesome handjobs!

 

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George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. ​

As they sat there - each one being worked on by a different barber - not a single word was spoken. (The barbers were afraid to start a conversation for fear that it would turn into politics.)

Then as the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks. My wife Michelle will smell that and think that I've been in a whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Bush and said " How about you, sir ? "

Bush replied " It's okay, go ahead. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like. "

 

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An old man was sitting on his porch, and he saw a young man pass by.

So the old man asked, "Boy,what do you have there?"

The boy says, "I've got a roll of duck tape - I'm gonna go catch some ducks." The old man says, "Boy, you can't catch ducks with duck tape." So the boy keeps going.

Later the boy passes by again, with a long line of duck tape and ducks wrapped up in it. The old man says "I'll be damned".

The next day the old man is sitting on his porch, and sees the boy pass by, and the old man says, "Boy, what do you have there?"

The boy says "Chicken wire - I'm gonna catch some chickens". The old man says, "Boy, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire".

Later the old man sees the boy pass by again, with a long line of chicken wire and a bunch of chickens wrapped up in it. The old man says, "Well I'll be damned".

The next day, the old man is sitting on his porch and sees the boy pass by, and he says, "Boy, what do you have there?"

The boy says, "Pussywillow".

The old man says, "Wait a minute there boy, let me go get my hat".

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- In the beginning, Bill Gates created BASICA.

And computers were without operating systems, and there was chaos in the software industry.

And then Bill Gates said, "Let there be an operating system," but as He didn't have time to write one Himself, He bought one from Seatle Computing, licensed it to IBM, and saw that it was good. And there was MS-DOS version 1.

And then Bill Gates said, "Let there be hard drives, directory structures, redirection, and piping" and there were, and He saw that it was good. And there was MS-DOS version 2.

And then Bill Gates said, "Let there be support for virtual drives and virtual networks," and the virtual drives were called partitions, and the virtual networks were called token rings, and He saw that it was good. And there was MS-DOS version 3.

And then IBM corporation came out with PC-DOS version 4, and Bill Gates, not wanting to fall behind IBM, copied it, called it MS-DOS version 4, and saw that it was good. And there was MS-DOS version 4.

And then Bill Gates said, "Let us divide conventional memory from upper memory, and let us load MS-DOS in upper memory, so that programs will have more room to run in conventional memory," and He did, and He saw that it was good. And there was MS-DOS version 5.

And then Bill Gates said, "Let us add disk compression, defragmentation, and anti-virus support," and He did, and He saw that it was good. And there was MS-DOS version 6.

And, after six versions of MS-DOS, Bill Gates rested and collected his royalty payments.

And Bill Gates hired Adam, the first programmer, and placed him in the office to write programming code, and in the office he placed every computer that is good to use. And Bill Gates commanded the man, saying, "Of every computer of the office thou mayest freely use, but of the Apple computer, thou shalt not use of it, for in the day that thou usest thereof thou shalt surely die."

And then Bill Gates said, "It is not good that the programmer should be alone," so when Adam was out to lunch, eating ribs, Bill Gates hired another programmer, Eve. And the video displays of the two programmers, the man and the woman, were both naked, and they were not ashamed.

Now Steve Jobs was more subtle than any beast of the software industry. And he said unto the woman, "Yea, hath Bill Gates said, 'Ye shall not use of every computer of the office'?" And the woman said unto Steve Jobs, "We may use of any of the computers of the office. But of the Apple computer, which is in the midst of the office, Bill Gates hath said, 'Ye shall not use of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die'."

And Steve Jobs said unto the woman, "Ye shall not surely die: For Bill Gates doth know that in the day ye use thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as superusers, capable of desktop publishing."

And when the woman saw that the computer was good for use, and that the mouse was pleasant to the touch, and a graphical interface to be desired to make one productive, she took of the mouse thereof, and did click, and gave also unto the man with her; and he did click.

And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that their video displays were naked; and they turned on their screen savers.

And they heard the voice of Bill Gates walking in office: and the two programmers hid themselves from the presence of Bill Gates amongst the furniture of the office.

And Bill Gates called unto Adam, and said unto him, "Where art thou?"

And he said, "I heard thy voice in the office, and I was afraid, because my video display was naked; and I hid myself."

And he said, "Who told thee that thy video display was naked? Hast thou used of the Apple computer, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not use?"

And the man said, "The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the mouse, and I did click."

And Bill Gates said unto the woman, "What is this that thou hast done?"

And the woman said, "Steve Jobs beguiled me, and I did click."

And Bill Gates said unto Steve Jobs, "Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all hardware and software manufacturers; to one-button mice shalt thou be limited, and inferior versions of Microsoft products shall run on your systems all the days of thy life."

And Steve Jobs said unto Bill Gates, "My punishment is too hard to bear!"

 

hahaha good one

 

A couple of hikers were tramping through the countryside and had lost their way, so by the time they arrived at the "George and Dragon", the village pub where they'd arranged to stay the night, the doors were locked and the owners had gone to bed.

They knocked timidly on the front door and a head appeared at an upstairs window and shouted fiercely, 'Go away. Don't you know what time it is? We're closed,' and the window slammed shut.

Undeterred, the hikers knocked again.

'What is it now?' demanded the head.

'Could we speak to George this time please?' asked on the hikers.

 

Nick was walking down the street and he met a small boy. Nick asked the lad his name.
The boy replied, 'Six and seven-eighths.'

Nick asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name.
The youngster answered, 'They just picked it out of a hat.'

 

The bartender asks Mike who is sitting at the bar, 'What'll you have?'
Mike answers, 'A scotch, please.'
The bartender hands him the drink, and says, 'That'll be five dollars,' to which Mike replies, 'What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.'
Iain, a lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, 'You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.'
The bartender was not impressed, but says to Mike, 'Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.'
The next day, Mike again walks into the bar. The bartender says, 'What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back.'
Mike says, 'What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life.'
The bartender splutters, 'I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.'
To which the Mike replies, 'Thank you. Make it a scotch.'

 

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Winchester, the Crazy Wheaten and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete,(certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

 

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... Horse Tears

A fellow walks into a bar, very down on himself. And as he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The fellow replies, "Well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff) and well... I can't tell them apart. Nowadays, I don't know if I'm mixing up their riding times, or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar, in worse condition than he was before.

"What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "Then why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.

But a few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking, the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "For crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!"

The fellow cannot believe what the bartender has said, and storms out of the bar.

And the next day, the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.

"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the brown one!"

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