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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. PeterThePiper

    PeterThePiper Trusted.Member

    Husband & wife driving home late at night, in the pouring rain along a secluded country lane.
    Just as they turn a corner, the husband slams on the brakes after seeing something lying in the road.
    They both get out to investigate, & find a small brown rabbit, still alive, but soaking wet & shivering with shock.
    Dashing to get out of the rain storm, the wife picks up the poor rabbit & they dash back to the car.
    " Put it between your legs to warm him up", said the husband.
    " But its all wet & smelly " she replied.
    " Well, put your fingers over its nose so he cant smell anything, he will be ok. "
     
    Brutus58, curiousFred, slisse and 3 others like this.
  2. 3-6-9

    3-6-9 Trusted Member

    Foul Mouths
    ____________________

    A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
    "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time."

    "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........

    "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
     
  3. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    [​IMG]
     
    Djole, Brutus58, curiousFred and 3 others like this.
  4. 3-6-9

    3-6-9 Trusted Member

    Farmhouse
    ____________________


    A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

    He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

    The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

    Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

    An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

    The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!"
     
  5. 3-6-9

    3-6-9 Trusted Member

    Stutter?
    ____________________

    A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem.

    After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

    Doctor: 'It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering.

    Patient: Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo? (Doctor what can I do?)

    The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.

    The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it.

    The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

    Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic.

    However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

    The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says:
    I dddoonnn?t ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble.
     
  6. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.

    Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

    "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.

    "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

    "Oh God no!" cries the man, "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what is the good news?"

    "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it is a woman arm.”

    “I need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

    "Go for it doc" says the man, "As long as I can play golf again."

    The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

    "Hi, how is the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

    "Just great" says the businessman, "I am playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

    "That-s great," said the surgeon.

    "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I have learned how to sew my own clothes and I have even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

    "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I am so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

    "Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."
    .
     
  7. 3-6-9

    3-6-9 Trusted Member

    Conversation
    ____________________

    Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seat in an airplane.

    One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

    The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

    The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"

    The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first:

    "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

    The first guy says, "I don't know."

    The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"
     
  8. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    Well last night, I sure made the girlfriend scream during some really wild sex.

    Perhaps I shouldn't have called and told her.

     
  9. Wysardi

    Wysardi Account Deleted

    Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when i saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that as a punishment, she won’t eat butter for 1 month. Today i saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her “nice try”.
     
  10. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    So do you know how they hire new staff at Hooters ?

    They give them a bra and say, 'Here - fill this in.'

     
  11. Floodwire

    Floodwire near....FAR!...wherever you are

    you left out the part about the honeybee...
     
  12. 3-6-9

    3-6-9 Trusted Member

    4 Weeks
    ____________________

    A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die someday, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."

    "Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment."

    Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"

    A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."

    "Very good!" said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

    One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."

    "That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

    But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-law's house for the 4 weeks."

    Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mothers-in-law home?"

    Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"
     
  13. Toyotun

    Toyotun Account Deleted

    One night as a boy walking to his parents Room he hears a commotion as he gets closer it gets louder he opens the door to find his mom and dad going to town once they realize that the boy is at the door his parents chuckle, the dad says son go back to your Room I'll be in there in 20 minutes to tuck you in So the boy turns around and heads back to his Room his mom and dad finish up and the dad heads to the son's Room to Tuck him in as hes getting closer to the son's Room he hears a commotion it gets louder the closer he gets to the door he opens the door and finds the Son and his grandma going at it to the dads surprise to which the son tells his dad "see it ant so funny when it's your mom!"
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 13, 2018
  14. 3-6-9

    3-6-9 Trusted Member

    Sickness
    ____________________

    A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

    "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

    The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

    "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

    As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

    Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

    Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."
     
  15. 3-6-9

    3-6-9 Trusted Member

    Days off
    ____________________

    Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able to take flex. But there had to be a way...
    One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

    "How?" asked the second worker.

    Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

    Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

    "I'm a light bulb" answered the public servant.

    "I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

    "Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

    The second worker was hot on his heels.

    "Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

    "Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."
     
  16. Dane

    Dane Account Deleted

    I always get nervous about fixing a good dinner for when we have our pastor and his wife over.
    I guess I let it get the best of me while I was cooking.
    He always says grace, but this time it was after the meal and his prayer was that of " Thank God that's over!"
     
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  17. 3-6-9

    3-6-9 Trusted Member

    Rude Parrot
    ____________________

    Jerry received a parrot for his birthday.

    The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least very rude.

    Jerry tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked.

    He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and became even more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation. Jerry put the parrot in the FREEZER.

    For a few moments, he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was a ----

    -Not a sound for half a minute. Jerry was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

    The Parrot calmly stepped out onto Jerry's extended arm and said: "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

    Jerry was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made the difference and caused such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the chicken did???"
     
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  18. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    [​IMG] ... A lawyer was standing in a long line at the box office.

    Suddenly, he felt a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.

    The lawyer turns around. " What the hell do you think you're doing ? "

    " I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line. "

    " Well, I'm a lawyer - but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you ? "

     
  19. 3-6-9

    3-6-9 Trusted Member

    Documentary
    ____________________


    Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians.

    While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses.

    So she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress, his reply was: "Me only have one woman. One woman ... one feather."

    Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave.

    This brave had two feathers in his headdress and he replied: Me have two women. Two women ... two feathers."

    Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

    Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Which, needless to say, amused Ms.Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

    The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me ~ I am a big potty mouth ~'em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me ~ I am a big potty mouth ~'em all."

    Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."

    The Chief said: "You damn right me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."

    Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile."

    The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style...me ~ I am a big potty mouth ~'em all."

    With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

    The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."
     
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  20. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    [​IMG] ... A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office.

    The doctor walks in, sits down and says, “ I have some bad news. I’m afraid that you’re going to have to stop masturbating. ”

    “ I don’t understand, doc, ” the patient says. “ Why ? ”

    “ Because,” the doctor replies, “ I’m going to examine you. ”

     
    Brutus58, Dane, curiousFred and 2 others like this.
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