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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. 3-6-9

    3-6-9 Trusted Member

    20 years
    ____________________

    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee.

    He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

    The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only XX?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies.

    "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car ?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years!" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. The husband wipes another tear from his cheek... "I'm a freeman now!"
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 25, 2018
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  2. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    Shouldn't the punchline read "I would of been a free man now".
     
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  3. Master ozz

    Master ozz Good,bad,ugly

    A gentleman wanders around the campus of a school looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, “Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?” The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, “I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!” The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, “I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, idiot?”
     
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  4. 3-6-9

    3-6-9 Trusted Member

    Wrong Thing
    ____________________


    An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

    The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

    The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, but you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

    The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

    And now sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
     
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  5. curiousFred

    curiousFred Trusted.Member

    Had the pleasure to talk to 2 gay Scotsmen, they were called Ben Doon and Phillip Mc Cracken.
     
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  6. Master ozz

    Master ozz Good,bad,ugly

    A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."
     
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  7. Master ozz

    Master ozz Good,bad,ugly

    Little Johnny's XXXXXXXXXXX class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?" "A cat!" said Suzy. "Good job. Now, what's this animal?" "A dog!" said Ricky. "Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad." "I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"

    Sorry, underage references re not allowed in this section, even implied references. Neo
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 25, 2018
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  8. 3-6-9

    3-6-9 Trusted Member

    Importance of a word
    ____________________

    "Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

    "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

    "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Steve.

    "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

    "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind--either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

    "Well, OK," says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

    So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

    "Hi there," says Steve, "looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," says the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Steve stares at him in horror and screams, "FUCK!!!! THAT'S the word!"
     
  9. 3-6-9

    3-6-9 Trusted Member

    Lost Ball
    ____________________


    A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
    Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

    We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

    "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

    Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
    "Hey, this looks like yours!"
     
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  10. Big Frank

    Big Frank Trusted Member

    ^^^^funny
     
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  11. TabbyTomcat

    TabbyTomcat Trusted Member

    – Mrs. Goldstein, someone recommended you as a very experienced psychotherapist...
    – Alright, so what kind of problems are we having?
    – Autumn, cold, rain, no one to chat with, to drink some good sherry, and to fall asleep spooning.
    – No need to be so official, just call me Nancy. I'll go get a corkscrew.
     
  12. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual, saying, "You are an idiot!”

    “You have always been an idiot!”

    “You will always be an idiot!”

    “If they had an idiot contest, you would come in second."

    "Why would I come in second?" her husband asked.

    She replied, "Because you are an idiot!"
    .
     
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  13. 3-6-9

    3-6-9 Trusted Member

    Gambler
    ____________________


    During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

    The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

    The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

    "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

    The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

    "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

    "Like what?" asked the bartender.

    "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

    The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

    So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

    "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

    The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

    "Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

    "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

    With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

    The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

    The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

    The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

    The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
     
  14. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

  15. 3-6-9

    3-6-9 Trusted Member

    Be Strong!
    ____________________

    A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

    As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

    I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.

    This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.
    Be strong, honey. I love you."

    To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

    He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

    Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
     
  16. Brutus58

    Brutus58 Trusted.Member

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  17. LustingForSis

    LustingForSis Trusted.Member

    A mother was visiting her daughter and her roommate. During the visit, a few times she intimated that she thought her daughter and the roommate had more than a platonic relationship, which both women denied.

    A few days after she left, the roommate came to the daughter and said, “I don’t want to accuse her, but ever since your mom left, the silver ladle has been missing.”

    The daughter didn’t think her mom would take it, but had to admit it was gone. The next day she called her mom and said, “I’m not saying you took it, and I’m not saying you didn’t take it, but the fact remains, ever since you left, the silver ladle has been missing.”

    After a brief pause, the mother replied, “I’m not saying she sleeps with you, and I’m not saying she doesn’t sleep with you, but the fact remains, if your roommate slept in her own bed, you’d have found the silver ladle by now.”
     
  18. 3-6-9

    3-6-9 Trusted Member

    'Sex' Pistol
    ____________________


    A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem...

    In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself". That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.

    At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

    The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?". The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol my wife peed on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"
     
  19. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    Makers Shops.jpg The Three Violin Makers

    In the small town of Cremona, Italy, three violin manufacturers had all done business on the same block for years and years.

    But after all that time of peaceful coexistence, one day the Amati shop placed a sign in the window that read,
    " We make the best violins in Italy ! "

    So the Guarneri shop, two doors down, followed suit shortly thereafter - but their sign read,
    " We make the best violins in the World ! "

    Finally, the Stradivarius family, who owned the shop right between the two, placed a sign in the window that read simply,
    " We make the best violins on the block. "

     
  20. 3-6-9

    3-6-9 Trusted Member

    Going to Heaven
    ____________________


    A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead. The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it. She then sits down in the chair and farts.

    "Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?"

    "That's easy," says the Devil. "All of them."

    "No, stupid! It came out of my butthole!" I go to Heaven!!!".....
     
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