A Joke For Today

Our local flasher decided to retire, then changed his mind and he will stick it out for another year.

 

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A Non-dirty Dozen :

1. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

2. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

3. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

4. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

5. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

6. I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.

7. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

8. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.

9. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

10. My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange". I said: "no it doesn't!"

11. What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

12. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A Labracadabrador.

 

" Does this Library have a book I could borrow about Suicide ? "

" Hell no, sir - you won't bring it back ! "

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" What's ET short for ? "

" Cuz he's got little legs. "​

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my ex face.

 

So a Skeleton walks into a Bar ...

" A Pint of Lager and a Mop, please ! "​

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oh my god my ex

 

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Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

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good words to follow.

 

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.

 

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

 

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

 

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