A Joke For Today

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

Look at your womanly physique in mirror and stick out gut so you can complain and whine even more about getting fat.

Get in shower.

Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil.

Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure it has all come off).

Shave armpits and legs.

Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you lose the water pressure.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up exposed areas, then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her and make "woo"sound.

Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no).

Admire size of wiener in the mirror, scratch "privates" and smell fingers for one last whiff.

Get in the shower.

Don't bother to look for washcloth (you don't use one).

Wash face, then armpits.

Crack up at how loud fart sounds in the shower.

Wash privates and surrounding area.

Wash butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.

Shampoo hair (do not use conditioner).

Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

Pee (in the shower).

Rinse off and get out of the shower.

Fail to notice water on floor because you left curtain hanging out of tub the whole time.

Partially dry off.

Look at self in the mirror, flex muscles.

Admire wiener size again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet bath mat on floor.

Leave bathroom fan and light on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.

Throw wet towel on the bed.

Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

 

A Quick Quartet of Questions ...

1. What is the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball ?

A guy will take the time to search for a golf ball.

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2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say ?

Beat it. We’re closed.

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3. Why did the guitar teacher get arrested ?

He was found to be fingering a minor.

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4. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms ?

One is a Goodyear. And the other one is a great year.​

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Two fish swimming along a river. One hit a concrete wall, the other said...... damn.

 

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So a Roman General walk into a bar - holds up two fingers and yells out - " Five beers over here, please ! "

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This guy comes home carrying a duck under his arm. His wife is standing there looking at him.

Husband: "Here is that pig I've been fucking that I was telling you about"

Wife: "That's not a pig you fucking retard, it's a duck"

Husband: "I was talking to the duck"

 

A man is lying on his deathbed with his wife by his side. Standing at the foot of the bed is their six children. The man turns to his wife and speaks.


Man: Honey, there is something I’ve wanted to ask you for a long time. Now that I’m dying, please be honest with me. Our youngest son Bobby looks so much different then the other children, I’ve thought that he has a different father than the rest. Am I right?


Wife: I’m ashamed to admit, but you are right. Bobby has a different father than the others.


Man: Tell me who Bobby’s father is.


Wife: Please don’t ask me that. The answer would be too painful for you.


Man: As a dying wish, please, who is Bobby’s Father?


Wife: You are.

 

What’s the difference between a group of smart pygmies and a girls’ track team?


The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts …








What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?


A pickpocket snatches watches …







What's the difference between a northern girl and a southern girl?

The northern girl sais you can. The southern girl sais Y'all can.

 

The northern girl says: "Men are all alike"
The southern girl says: "Men are all ah like"

 

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When the moon hits your eye
like a big pizza pie ... that's amore.

When you swim in a creek
and an eel bites your cheek ... that's a moray !​

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As a life-long fan of my beloved Toronto Maple Leafs hockey team, I recently requested that the entire team show up at my funeral to serve as my honourary pall-bearers.

That way, they'll be able to let me down one final time.

 

A woman expressed her dissatisfaction about her breast size to her husband. She suggested that he pay for a boob job under the guise that it was for his benefit more than hers. His response?

"Why don't you take a bit of toilet paper and rub it between your cleavage every day," he asked?

"How would that make my boobs bigger," she retorted?

"Well, it worked on your ass!"

 

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I really can't figure out why more people don't try to rob a bank.

It seems like a win-win situation, because either way you can stop worrying about rent and food bills for a while.

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George Washington couldn't tell a lie.
Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth.
Donal Trump couldn't tell the difference.

 

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So I read in the Rules somewhere, that we're all supposed to 'speak' English around here on the World's best Forum.

Sure, because English is such a pure language - the bastard child of some Germans and Frenchies, raised in life by the Vikings and ruined for life by the Americans !

Hey, makes sense to me ...

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