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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    I recently hired a temp to fill in while my secretary was off for six months on maternity leave.

    Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked her what she expected to earn.

    The temp replied, "Well ... the minimum I could possibly work for is two hundred a week."

    I told her I would give her that much with pleasure.

    The temp shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it will be $400 weekly."
    .
     
  2. rocksam

    rocksam Trusted Member

    Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

    When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
    he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

    One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman
    he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

    He approached her and said, "I may look like just an ordinary guy, but in just a
    few years my father will die, and I will inherit his $200 million estate."

    Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.

    Three months later she became his stepmother.

    Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
     
  3. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member


    [​IMG]

    The problem with math jokes is not the jokes themselves.

    It's that if you get them, you likely don't have any friends to tell them to. :D

     
    amiraj, leon Phillips, slisse and 2 others like this.
  4. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    An older man was married to a younger woman.

    After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack.

    The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.

    He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

    One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex was not worth living, so he headed upstairs.

    He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

    She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
    .
     
  5. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    Billy Joe and Emma Sue are a redneck couple, and one day they decide to get hitched. So, both clans come out and do the hillbilly wedding thing--shotguns, whiskey, the whole deal.

    On the wedding night, Billy Joe takes Emma Sue out to his father's hunting cabin for their honeymoon. As he's carrying her over the threshold, Emma Sue leans over and whispers in his ear, "Billy Joe, I'm a little nervous. You know, I ain't never been with a man before." Billy Joe's eyes bug out, and he drops Emma Sue right on her ass. He shoots out the door and runs all the way back to his family's house.

    After he opens the door, exhausted with the effort, his father says to him, "Son, shouldn't you and Emma Sue be makin' the marriage official right about now?" Billy Joe replies, "I'm sorry, Paw, but I can't marry that girl." "Well, why not?" says his dad. "She said she ain't never been with a man afore." At this, Billy Joe's father nods his head gravely and pats his son on the shoulder, saying "Son, you done the right thing. If that girl ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours!"
     
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  6. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

    Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

    Then, little Richard Earl , with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!'
     
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  7. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER......

    You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!

    We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.

    We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

    Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

    A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

    The cab driver hit a parked car.
     
  8. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    Record.jpg I asked my friend, "If you were stuck on a desert island
    and you could have three records - what would they be ?"

    He replied, "The long distance swimming one would be good !"
     
  9. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    From a real courtroom transcript.

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
     
  10. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    One Hundred Percent.jpg ... so what makes up 100% in life ?

    And have you ever been to those meetings where someone wants you to give more than 100% ? How about achieving 103% for example ? What does that mean ?

    Here is a little mathematical method which might help you answer these questions :

    If the letters A through Z are represented by the numbers 1 through 26 ...

    Then
    K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E =
    11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

    And
    H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K =
    8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

    While
    A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E =
    1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

    But how can we give more than 100% ?

    Well consider that
    B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
    2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

    And even better
    A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
    1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% !

    So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there - it's the Bullshit and the Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
     
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  11. joep

    joep Trusted.Member

  12. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    Jack Loves Carol.JPG Some think it's romantic that people carve their names on trees while out on a date.

    I'm more curious about why someone brought a knife with them on that date.
     
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  13. Semajsekys71188

    Semajsekys71188 Trusted Member

    Lmao these are great
     
    Insp Gadget likes this.
  14. joep

    joep Trusted.Member

  15. joep

    joep Trusted.Member

    Airport security...
    [​IMG]
     
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  16. joep

    joep Trusted.Member

    Sleeping at the Airport Like a Boss!
    [​IMG]
     
  17. joep

    joep Trusted.Member

  18. joep

    joep Trusted.Member

    Business Airport Casual
    [​IMG]
     
  19. joep

    joep Trusted.Member

  20. joep

    joep Trusted.Member

    You might need an extra large glass of wine, or two, should your travel buddy need a lot of extra elbow room.
    [​IMG]
     
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