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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.

    He had no arms and no legs.

    Three women, from England, Wales, and Ireland were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

    The English woman said, “Have you ever had a hug?”

    The man said, “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.

    The Welsh woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?”

    The man said, “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

    The Irish woman came to him and said, “Ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?”

    The man broke into a big smile and said, “No”.

    She said, “Aye ... ya will be when the tide comes in.”

    .
     
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  2. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    A guy comes home from work earlier than usual and catches his wife in bed with one of his best friends.

    Enraged, the husband grabs a gun and shoots his buddy to death.

    His wife says, "You know, if you go on like this, you are going to lose ALL your friends."
    .
     
  3. rocksam

    rocksam Trusted Member

    Q - What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
    A - One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.

    Q- Why is it so hard to punish a vampire?
    A - Because they can't reflect on what they've done.

    Q - What do you call a pig with three eyes?
    A - A piiig.

    Q - What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
    A - I don't know and I don't care?
     
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  4. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Doc, I cannot sleep anymore," the man complained.

    "I have tried everything, but I just toss and turn."

    "You have to learn to relax," the doctor said, "Try putting each part of your body to sleep separately."

    That night the guy crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to talk to his body.

    "Face, go to sleep," he whispered.

    "Chest, go to sleep. Legs, go to sleep."

    Just then his wife walked in wearing a transparent teddy.

    Her husband opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow.

    "OK," he shouted, "everybody up!"
    .
     
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  5. rocksam

    rocksam Trusted Member

    THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND A GROUP OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL
    GAME. BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW,
    THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS, HOPING THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH
    TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.

    IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,
    "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH.
    THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

    THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID LOUDLY,
    "I WANT TO MOVE TO MONTANA ...
    THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

    THE THIRD GUY YELLED,
    "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO.
    THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."

    THE MOTHER SUPERIOR TURNED AROUND,
    LOOKED AT THE MEN,
    AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,

    "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL...THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."
     
  6. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    Last week, I told my girlfriend that she'd drawn her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
     
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  7. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish in western Newfoundland, and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

    One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:"THE END IS NEAR, TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE"

    As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you religious nutters, we don't need your lectures"

    From around the next curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

    Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin', do yer tink we should just have a sign sayin' "BRIDGE CLOSED"…..


    .
     
  8. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    I have lived on the streets for the last six years and today, my only friend and companion, Rex, died.

    Rex was a Jack Russell stray I pulled from the wreckage of a horrible motor accident mere days after I became homeless.

    I nursed him back to health from a shattered pelvis and although it looked agonizing to walk, he had never since left my side.

    I honestly do not know how I am going to cope without him, I have never felt more lost and scared in all my life.

    But on the bright side, I ate well today.
    .
     
  9. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

  10. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    Best Friend.jpg

    His Dog or His Wife - Which is Man's Best Friend ?

    The later you get home, the more excited your dog is to see you.
    Dogs like it when you leave things on the floor.

    A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'
    A dog's parents never visit.

    Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
    Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

    Dogs understand that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
    Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

    You never have to wait for a dog - they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
    A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

    Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
    If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they're interested.

    If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
    And if a dog ever leaves you, it won't take half of your stuff.
     
  11. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    This morning I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer.

    I don't know what the hell he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day long.
     
  12. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Three mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about how much their sons love them.

    Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."

    Minnie says, "You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I just got for Mothers Day? That is from my son Bernie. What a doll."

    Shirley says, "That is nothing. You know my son Stanley? He is in therapy with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me!"
    .
     
  13. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    So yesterday, this friend of mine asked me to help him round up his thirty-seven sheep.

    Good grief, I said - you mean you have forty of them ?
     
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  14. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff.

    He thinks he is smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia.

    The sheriff asks for license and registration.

    The lawyer asks, "What for?"

    The sheriff responds, "You did not come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

    The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."

    "You still did not come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently.

    The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I will give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and do not give me the ticket."

    The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle."

    The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.

    The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
    .
     
  15. karel

    karel Trusted.Member

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  16. karel

    karel Trusted.Member

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  17. karel

    karel Trusted.Member


    Very funny indeed.
     
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  18. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    Communist jokes are funny only when everybody gets them.
     
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  19. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?

    Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with the family of his son on weekends.

    Every Saturday morning he would take his granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time --- pancakes, ice cream, candy --- just him and his granddaughter.

    One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed.

    He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.

    Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

    When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

    "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

    "Not really, Pap, it was boring. We did not see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horses ass, socialist left wing Obama lover, blind bastard, dip shit, Muslim camel humper, pecker-head or son-of-a bitch anywhere we went.”

    “We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really did not have any fun."


    ***Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?***

    .
     
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  20. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    After Bob died, everyone gathered at his funeral.

    Then the minister started to speak: "He was a model husband, a decent man, a terrific father..."

    The widow then makes a motion for her son to come to her.

    "What is it mother?" he whispered.

    "Dear, go check the casket, I think we are at the wrong funeral..."
    .
     
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