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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
    He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
    "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
    "Here boy!" he replies.
    .
     
  2. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks.
    "Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
    "It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
    "I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
    .
     
  3. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
    Quinn told him that he's very lucky, because his own wife makes him walk.
     
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  4. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'
    'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
    .
     
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  5. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantelpiece?'
    'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
    .
     
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  6. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

  7. prime

    prime New Member

    A couple of naked lesbians barged into the house today, and started wrestling with my wife while she was in the bath.

    I tried to help, but I could only knock one out.
     
  8. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.
    Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
    Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.
     
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  9. leon Phillips

    leon Phillips Trusted.Member



    ?
     
  10. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law who had just passed away.

    As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said, “Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway!”

    … “I know.” he replied, “I thought I saw her move.”
    .
     
  11. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

    The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. And when I feel bad like you do, I just go to my wife and ask her to give me sex. That makes everything better and then I go to work. You try that."

    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon ... you got nice house."
     
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  12. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    One day this guy and his father were talking about him getting laid cuz he is still a virgin, so his dad calls a stripper/hooker for him.

    But his father said to go and get some condoms so he do not get AIDS!

    He goes to the pharmacy and a lady that works there asked what size do you need, and the son said “I do not know I never needed them before”!

    The lady said “Go to the back, there is a fence with 3 holes, then stick ur dick in all 3 holes and pick the one u like the best.”

    So he starts to walk out back and the lady that works there ran out to the other side of the fence.

    The guy puts his dick in the first hole and she puts her mouth on the first hole, and the son likes it.

    He then puts his dick in the second hole and she put her ass on the hole and the son said alright.

    He takes his dick and puts it in the last hole and the lady puts her pussy on the hole and the son said “That is the fucking shit I am talking about”!

    He puts his dick away and starts to walk back and the lady runs back into the store.

    She asks if he had picked one and he said “Fuck the condoms, I want 3 feet of that fence.”

    .
     
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  13. leon Phillips

    leon Phillips Trusted.Member

    By melody_yesterday [228 Posts, 658 Comments]
    Category Jokes
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    A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

    That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."

    Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get out of the way!"
     
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  14. Dane

    Dane Account Deleted

    Word of advice I; Never get surgery done by an ugly plastic surgeon.
     
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  15. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.

    "Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."

    "And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"

    "And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."

    "Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . .
     
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  16. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    Southern Medical Terms

    Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight.
    Artery......................... The study of paintings.
    Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.
    Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die.
    Cesarean Section............... A neighborhood in Rome.
    Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty.
    Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her.
    Colic.......................... A sheep dog.
    Coma........................... A punctuation mark.
    D&C............................ Where Washington is.
    Dilate......................... To live long.
    Enema.......................... Not a friend.
    Fester......................... Quicker than someone else.
    Fibula......................... A small lie.
    G.I. Series.................... World Series of military baseball.
    Hangnail....................... What you hang your coat on.
    Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known.
    Labor Pain..................... Getting hurt at work.
    Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.
    Morbid......................... A higher offer.
    Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.
    Node........................... I knew it.
    Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.
    Pap Smear...................... A fatherhood test.
    Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
    Post Operative................. A letter carrier.
    Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery.
    Rectum......................... Pretty near killed him.
    Secretion...................... Hiding something.
    Seizure........................ Roman emperor.
    Tablet......................... A small table.
    Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport.
    Tumor.......................... One plus one more.
    Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out.
    Varicose....................... Near by/close by
     
  17. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

    One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag – it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

    At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

    So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

    The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

    “And what about the men?” the minister asked.

    “They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
     
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  18. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    I love to pamper my girlfriend after she has had a stressful day at work.

    I get her to text me when she is leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.
    .
     
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  19. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You are driving me mad, Tyrone".

    One day his mom came to school to check on how he was doing.

    The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.

    The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.

    25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease.

    All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon who practiced in Cleveland, could perform.

    Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.

    When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.

    She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.

    Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.

    The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Tyrone, working as a janitor in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!

    Do not tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon!!!
    .
     
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  20. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Right now, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

    So every day, I walk in the street and tell people what I ate, how I feel, what I did and will do next.

    I also listen to the conversations of others and tell them "I Like".

    I even poke them!

    It works!

    I already have 3 people who are following me: a policeman, a psychiatrist and a psychologist.
    .
     
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