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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. leon Phillips

    leon Phillips Trusted.Member

    How can you tell when the moon is waxing? The dark side is on the left. Oh, and the screams when the hair comes off.
     
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  2. leon Phillips

    leon Phillips Trusted.Member

    Doctor's Visit Doctor: "What seems to be the problem today?" Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time," The Doctor nods, "Hmm." Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times." "Hmm," says the Doctor, as he picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The patient is thrilled "Thank you Doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?" "No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses, it stinks like a fermented diaper in here. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

    source: http://jokes4us.com/barjokes/fartjokes.html
     
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  3. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

    Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

    "Really!?" he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"

    .
     
  4. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    [​IMG]
     
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  5. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.

    He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, “Maggie, put your hat and coat on.”

    She replied, “Awe Jock that is nice, are you taking me to the pub with you?”

    “Nay,” Jock replied, “I am turning the heating off while I am out.”
    .
     
  6. leon Phillips

    leon Phillips Trusted.Member

    Loving it up at 85!

    At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night and leaves. Luanne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another. As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You're a great lover, Morris!" Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Luanne and says..."WHAT?...You mean I was here already?!"
     
  7. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
    Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
    .
     
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  8. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    The 50th Anniversary

    A couple went out to dinner, to celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary.

    On the way home, she noticed a tear in his eye, and asked if he was getting sentimental about their fifty wonderful years together.

    He replied, " No, actually I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun, and said he'd have me thrown in jail for fifty years if I didn't marry you. And tomorrow I would've been a free man. "
     
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  9. Lilywhite

    Lilywhite Trusted Member

    Really enjoyed these ,laugh some more later.
     
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  10. leon Phillips

    leon Phillips Trusted.Member

    Where do you put your balls?

    [​IMG][​IMG]
    A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from Florida to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
    “What can I do for y’all?” asks the attendant. “Fill `er up with high test,” replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down. “What kinda car is this?” he asks. “I never seen one like it before.” “Well,” responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, “this, my boy is a 2009 Cadillac CTS-V[​IMG].”
    “What all’s it got in it?” asks the attendant. “Well,” says the driver, “it has everything. It’s loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, 10 deck CD Player[​IMG] with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine!”
    “Wow,” says the attendant, “that’s really something!” “How much do I owe you for the gasoline?” asks the driver. “That’ll be $70.17,” says the attendant.
    The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off three $20’s and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. “What are those little wooden things?” asks the attendant. “Those are what I put my balls on when I drive,” says the driver. “Wow,” says the attendant, “those Cadillac people think of everything!”
     
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  11. leon Phillips

    leon Phillips Trusted.Member

    Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.
    One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.
    He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
    The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.
    Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!
    The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
    Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
    The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.
    As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
    The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'
     
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  12. karel

    karel Trusted.Member


    Now I know why military men wear brown pants;)
     
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  13. karel

    karel Trusted.Member



    Oh. Regrets. Regrets.
     
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  14. leon Phillips

    leon Phillips Trusted.Member

    Great Woman Golfer

    [​IMG] Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week.

    Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't quite the same without him.

    A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.

    Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week"

    The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.

    The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."


    She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."

    The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out.

    She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her! In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week shewas 15 minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her.

    As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

    Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed"

    The lady blushed and grinned. She said, "That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical."

    Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointed straight up in the air"


    She said, "Then I'm fifteen minutes late."
     
  15. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

  16. Curmudgeon

    Curmudgeon Moderator Staff Member

    Aaron, while away at college, came to terms with his homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet.

    His plan was to tell his mother first (to get the worst out of the way); so on his next visit home, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was busy making chicken soup.

    Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay.

    Still stirring the spot with her big wooden spoon, his mother said, "You mean, homo...sexual?"

    "Well...yes."

    Still without looking up: "This means that you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

    Caught off guard, Aaron managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative.

    His mother turned to him and, brandishing the spoon under his nose, snapped, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"
     
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  17. Curmudgeon

    Curmudgeon Moderator Staff Member

    Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove this theory the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned
     
  18. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    [​IMG] ... At the Pet Store

    One day, I decided that I needed a pet - so off to the Pet Store I went.

    When I got there, the proprietor asked me what type of pet I would like, and I told him that a goldfish would do fine.

    " Would you like an aquarium ? " he then asked me.

    So I said to him, " Look, I don't care what sign it was born under - I'd just like to buy a a pet. "
     
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  19. muffdiver

    muffdiver RIP (1948-2017)

    A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
    The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this without a a magnifying glass, come back and see me."
     
  20. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    So a Roman walks into a bar, and sits down with four of his friends.

    Then while holding up two fingers, he yells out ...

    " Five beers over here, please ! "


    [​IMG]
     
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