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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    Mrs. Smartt was fumbling in her purse for her offering when a large television remote fell out and clattered into the aisle.

    The curious usher bent over to retrieve it for her and whispered, “Do you always carry your TV remote to church?”

    “No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come with me this morning, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
     
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  2. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    Words of wisdom: “There’s a fine line between a long, drawn-out sermon and a hostage situation.”
     
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  3. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    A girl from Alabama went to church for the first time ever when she was visiting her grandparents in Michigan. When the pastor announced it was time for the Lord’s Supper, she was excited–and hungry. The congregation filed up to the altar rail, and the girl watched in confusion as her grandparents received a wafer and small plastic cup of wine. She could hardly wait to get back to the pew to tell her grandma that Jesus wasn’t from Alabama.

    “How do you know that, dear?” asked her grandma.

    “Because that was the poorest meal I’ve ever seen,” she said. “Mama would’ve at least given everybody some corn bread and sweet tea.”
     
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  4. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the man. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
     
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  5. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk.

    The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.

    "I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath."

    The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?"

    She replied, "No just up to my chin."

    .
     
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  6. muffdiver

    muffdiver RIP (1948-2017)

  7. muffdiver

    muffdiver RIP (1948-2017)

  8. muffdiver

    muffdiver RIP (1948-2017)

    One day a man strolled in to the paint section of a hardware store and walked up to the assistant. "I'd like a pint of canary colored paint," he says. "Sure" the clerk replies. "Mind if I ask what it's for?" "My parakeet, "the man said. "See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so beautifully he is sure to win." "Well, you can't do that!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will surely kill the poor thing!" "No they won't," says the customer. "Listen, buddy, I'll bet you twenty bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him." "You're on" said the customer. Two days later the man walks back in the store and very sheepishly lays $20 on the counter. "So the paint killed him?" asked the clerk. "Indirectly," the man said. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but I think the sanding between coats did him in."
     
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  9. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

    She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthesia shot.

    "No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.

    So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I cannot do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!"

    The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.

    "No," he says, "I am fine with pills."

    The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.

    "What are those?" he asked.

    "Viagra," she replied.

    "Damned," said the patient, "I did not know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

    "It does not," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

    .
     
  10. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    A blonde decides to get a porn movie, so she goes to the store and picks one with a fairly dirty title.

    When she puts the DVD in and presses “PLAY”, the screen is fuzzy and nothing is going on.

    Frustrated, she calls the store about the movie.

    They ask her what the title is, and she replies, “Head Cleaner”

    .
     
  11. sukka

    sukka New Member

    A few good one-liners from UK comedians:
    • My motto in life is always give 100%. Which makes blood donation quite tricky. (Tom Ballard)
    • Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open. (Tony Cowards)
    • My goal in life is always turn the negative into the positive. Which is why I lost my job at the HIV clinic. (Andrew Lawrence)
    • My mum loves mocking me – she described my 20th birthday party as “celebrating 20 years since Alex was last inside a woman.” (Alex Kealy)
    • Laughter is the best medicine, though it tends not to work in the case of impotence. (Jo Brand)
     
  12. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older.

    The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

    "What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

    "Well," replied the first, "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"

    "Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

    "Well, years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she would get these terrible headaches." he answered.

    "Now that we are older, she has not had a headache in years."

    .
     
  13. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    The Mail the way it used to be ...

    You Have ...

    [​IMG]
     
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  14. sabuj007

    sabuj007 Trusted Member

    What's the cure for marriage? Answer: Alcoholism
    what's the cure for a marriage?
    ans: alcoholism
     
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  15. Irish_Incest

    Irish_Incest Trusted.Member

    How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
     
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  16. Irish_Incest

    Irish_Incest Trusted.Member

    Why can't blondes count to 70? Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
     
  17. Irish_Incest

    Irish_Incest Trusted.Member

    How can you tell the difference between a good woman and a great woman?: Good women blush when they watch porn, great women smile cause they know they can do better.
     
  18. anti21

    anti21 Account Deleted

    I Try it...

    A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
     
  19. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    Following the recent publication of topless pictures of the Duchess of Cambridge, Royal Doulton have announced they will be shortly be issuing a commemorative pair of miniature jugs.
     
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  20. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.

    She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

    The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

    She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

    ..."Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they ask for a 310 [small] a 320 [medium] or a 330 [large], the word condom will even not be used.

    The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".

    The girl panicked.

    She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

    "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

    She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.

    "Yes!" she said " He has got one hanging there!"

    The boss said "Go back in and give him $3.50, he is the window cleaner!"

    .
     
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