A Joke For Today

LMAO Good one brother Slisse

 

good one- who likes to be cut?

 

A man lying on a stretcher in the emergency room asks the doctor if he'll be okay. The doctor turns to him and says, "Well, there is good and bad news."
"Tell me the bad news" says the man.
"Well," says the doctor, "the bad news is that we are going to half to cut both your legs off."
"Oh my God," cries the man, "what the hell is the good news?"
"The good news is," replies the doctor, "see that man over there? He wants to buy your shoes."

 

Settlement… Lawyer and the three kick rule
An Atlanta lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Georgia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Tennessee Three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The big-city attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

A robber was robbing a house. All of a sudden someone said, "Jesus is watching you!" "What? Oh well," said the robber and he went back to work. When he started to pick up the VCR, he heard the voice again, "Jesus is watching you!" it said again. This time the robber pointed his flashlight at the voice and asked, "Who said that?" It was a parrot. "I'm Moses," said the parrot. "Who in the world would name you Moses?" asked the robber. The parrot answered, "The same man that named the pitbull in the corner Jesus!"

 

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet took the dog out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my bird is dead!!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but what with the Lab report and the Cat scan......"

 

A lady had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My Goodness!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the lady chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the lady began. "I was driving along this road when I started to doze off. When I woke up this TREE from out of nowhere pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am, 'the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth on your rear view mirror."

 

Jack had been a compulsive worrier for years, to the point it was ruining his life. He saw a psychologist who recommended a specialist who could help him. His friend, Bob, noticed a dramatic change and asked "What happened? Nothing seems to worry you anymore." "I hired a professional worrier and I haven't had a worry since." replied Jack. "That must be expensive." Bob replied. "He charges $5,000 a month." Jack told him. "$5,000!!? How in the world can you afford to pay him?" exclaimed Bob. "I don't know, that's his problem."

 

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An angry wife had been complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar. So one night, he took her along with him.

" What'll you have ? " he asked.

" Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose, " she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Crown Royals, and threw his drink down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

" Yuck, that's terrible ! " she spluttered. " I don't know how you can drink this stuff ! "

" Well, there you go, " replied the husband. " And you think that I'm out enjoying myself every night ! "​

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A dying rich man called for his lawyer, doctor and minister as he lay on his death bed.

When the men came in, the old man said, "On the night stand are three large envelopes. Each\
one contains $100,000 in cash. As a sign of your loyalty to me, since I have paid you all greatly,
I want you each to throw the envelope into my casket before they close it for burial".

The three agreed as they took the envelopes.
The time soon came for the burial and just before closing the casket, all three threw their envelopes
in just before the casket was sealed.

On the walk back to their cars, the minister piped up " Guys, I have a confession, I took 10%,
that is $30,000, as a tithe from the envelope. I used the money to get the church out of debt.
I hope I can be forgiven".

The doctor then said, " That's ok, I'm sure he'd understand. and, by the way, I will confess I took
$50,000 from my envelope to cover the treatments of dying kids to help cure them. I just couldn't
look at them knowing I could help more by paying for their treatment".

The lawyer, stopped dead in his tracks and said " I am absolutely amazed that men of your stature
would stoop so low as to steal from a dying man"!

The minister and the lawyer both said at the same time, "Weren't you at all tempted"??

The lawyer said, "Not at all. I wrote a check for the entire $100,000"!