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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. rocksam

    rocksam Trusted Member

    A guy goes into a bar and orders ten martinis, and wants them all at the same time set in a row on the bar. The bartender tells him that's a lot of martinis and maybe he should go more slowly. The guy says, "Today was a special day, I had my first blowjob". "Well", says the bartender, I can certainly understand you wanting to celebrate, but you should still go more slowly." "Celebrate?" says the guy, "I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth.
     
  2. rocksam

    rocksam Trusted Member

    6 BEST SMART-ARSED ANSWERS OF THE YEAR (in reverse order)

    SMART ARSED ANSWER 6
    It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
    'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
    'What are my choices?' the man asked.
    'Yes or no,' she replied.



    SMART ARSED ANSWER 5
    A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
    Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'



    SMART ARSED ANSWER 4
    A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a supermarket but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
    She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
    The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'



    SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
    The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
    'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
    The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
    When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



    SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
    A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.'
    Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.. Cars are backed up for miles.
    Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
    The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!’



    SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR
    A teacher at a TAFE college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
    A smart-arse at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
    The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
    When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
     
  3. rocksam

    rocksam Trusted Member

    The CO of a regiment in the U. S. Marine Corps was about to start the morning briefing.
    While waiting for the coffee to finish brewing, he decided to pose a question to his staff.

    He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
    He posed the question as follows: "Just how much of sex is 'work' and how much of it is 'pleasure'?"

    The XO chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
    A Captain said it was 50-50%.
    The CO's Aide, a 1Lt., responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

    There being no consensus, the CO turned to the LCpl who was in charge of setting out the morning's paperwork and making the coffee.

    "What's YOUR opinion, son?"

    Without hesitation, the LCpl responded, "Sir, it absolutely has to be 100% pleasure!"

    Surprised, the CO asked, "Why??"

    "Well, Sir", replied the LCpl, "If there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
     
  4. rocksam

    rocksam Trusted Member

    Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to
    the other and says, 'You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go
    home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get
    to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my
    shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed
    in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent
    splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at
    me for staying out so late!

    His buddy looks at him and says 'Well, you're obviously taking the
    wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
    steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my
    shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on
    the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep.
    It Works Every Time!
     
  5. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    So this intoxicated old guy is driving down the motorway, when his car phone rings.

    Answering, he hears his wife's voice, excitedly warning him - " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way, near where you are on the M25 ! "

    " Hell, it's worse than that. " says Vernon. " It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them ! "

     
  6. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    One day at the nursing home, a little old lady was seen to be running up and down the halls. And as she ran, she would flip up the hem of her night-gown and yell out " Supersex ! "

    Through the meeting room, down the corridor, and into the kitchen ... " Supersex! Supersex! "

    Then at one point an elderly guy decided to yell back at her, " I'll take the soup please ! "
     
  7. curiousFred

    curiousFred Trusted.Member

    I agree with the old fellow that soup is the better choice in this case, hehehehehehe.
     
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  8. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    I went to an Inter-Faith Integration Seminar.

    The bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and prayed, "By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!"

    I smiled and told him I was not paralyzed.

    The rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and also prayed, "By the will of God Almighty, you shall walk today!"

    I was less than amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

    The Mullah came, snatched my hands and said, "Insha Allah, you will walk today!"

    I snapped at him, "There is nothing wrong with me!"

    The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and declared, "By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!"

    I told him rather rudely there was nothing wrong with me.

    After the Seminar, I stepped outside and found my new automobile had been stolen. I believe in all Religions equally now!


    .
     
  9. TabbyTomcat

    TabbyTomcat Trusted Member

    An oldie but goodie:

    Who is a Mexican virgin?
    It's a girl who can run faster than her brothers.
     
  10. rocksam

    rocksam Trusted Member

    My British car license tag

    U R 2 6 C I 1 2 4 Q
     
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  11. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs.

    Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my baseball bat, thinking that could scare him off, and crept downstairs -- forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.

    I came around the corner with the bat raised, only to find my wife had made it home, and was now loading the dishwasher.

    "What are you doing?" she asked.

    "I thought I heard an intruder. I came down to scare him."

    She looked my naked body, up and down, and mumbled, "You did not need the bat...."

    .
     
  12. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    A woman noticed that her husband would suck in his stomach while standing on the bathroom scale.

    “ Ha! That’s not going to help, ” she said.

    “ Sure, it does, ” he replied. “ It helps me see the numbers. ”

     
  13. curiousFred

    curiousFred Trusted.Member

    Sigh, I can relate to that, having eaten some birthday cake, well it was my fucking birthday, I put on 2 kilos.
     
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  14. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    _Congrats.gif
     
  15. Insp Gadget

    Insp Gadget Trusted.Member

    In this season of good will and kind cheer, I would like to offer some words of hope and inspiration for all of my liberal friends ...

    Consider that the jellyfish has existed as a species for over half a billion years - surviving just fine without a brain.

     
  16. leon Phillips

    leon Phillips Trusted.Member

    I would say it depends on whether she is prone to seizures;)
     
  17. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.

    Now what should I do?

    His mother had an idea: "Why dont you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

    He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner.

    His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

    "I was totally humiliated," he moaned.

    "She insisted on washing the dishes."

    "What is wrong with that?" asked his mother.

    "We had not sat down to eat at that time..."

    .
     
  18. TabbyTomcat

    TabbyTomcat Trusted Member

    How did mammoths go extinct?

    It happened when the female mammoths started accusing the males of sexual harassment...
     
  19. slisse

    slisse Moderator Staff Member

    At a paternity trial, the blonde her lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th last, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as -Lovers Lane- did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"

    "Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.

    "And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.

    "Oh no," she replied, "I am pretty sure he had one of them real fancy Mazdas."


    .
     
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  20. Amanda

    Amanda Account Deleted

    How do you circumcise a hill billy… Kick his sister in the jaw
     
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