1. As a guest you have limited access to the forums.
  2. Membership is free.
  3. So why not Sign up now!

A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    While out on a date, two brothers commence to arguing over who gets to kiss their date first. Finally, unable to stand the bickering any longer, their mother replies, "Relax boys, There's enough of me to go around."
     
    villager, leon Phillips and kool69 like this.
  2. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    There were three construction workers and each of them always ate the same thing for lunch. 1st worker: "I'm tired of sandwiches it's always sandwich, sandwich, sandwich!" 2nd worker: "I'm sick of tacos! urgh..." 3rd worker: "Ahh how I hate beans! I eat them everyday!" The second day it was the same thing for lunch. 1st worker: "If tomorrow I get sandwiches for lunch I'm going to jump from that bridge and kill myself!" 2nd worker: "One more taco and I'm jumping off that bridge and killing myself!" 3rd worker: "Beans again? If there's beans for lunch tomorrow I'm gonna jump from that bridge and kill myself!" And yes, as always, the next day they had the same thing for lunch. So all of the three men jumped from the bridge and killed themselves. The wives of the men were really sad and were crying for their husbands. 1st wife: "I would've never packed him sandwiches for lunch if I knew he would do that!" 2nd wife: "I would never had packed him tacos if I knew that would happen!" 3rd wife: "I wouldn't pack him beans if I knew that would happen but I don't get why he did that since he packed his own lunch!"
     
    villager, leon Phillips and annab2 like this.
  3. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    In South Los Angeles, a fourplex was destroyed by fire. A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. A black Islamic group of seven welfare cheaters, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire. Six Los Angeles gangbanger ex-cons lived on the third floor and they died as well. One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

    Jesse Jackson, John Burris, and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew to Los Angeles and met with the fire chief on television. They loudly demanded to know why the Nigerians, Muslims, and gangbangers all died in the fire, and only the white couple survived. The fire chief said, "Please don't get upset. The reason those fellow citizens survived was because they were at work."
     
  4. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    Same Wish

    A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

    The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

    "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left."

    "Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

    "Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too."
     
    annab2, leon Phillips and Pleiades like this.
  5. whenindoubtwhipitout

    whenindoubtwhipitout Trusted.Member

    There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat.
    As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. He's scared to death, and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
    In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
    Confused, and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
    The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again.
    As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
    Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you, Lord, for this food which I am about to receive... :D
     
  6. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

  7. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

  8. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Account Deleted

    Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. “Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?” The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out “352!” He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep. “I’ll take this one,” she says proudly. “It’s the cutest!” “Hey lady,” says the shepherd, “If I guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back?”
     
  9. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Account Deleted

    A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.” Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas.”
     
    villager, annab2 and kool69 like this.
  10. leon11381

    leon11381 Trusted Member


    lol!! Keep these coming!
     
    villager, annab2 and Zarp like this.
  11. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Account Deleted

    You're welcome to contribute ... :rolleyes:
     
    annab2 likes this.
  12. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
     
  13. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"
     
    villager, leon Phillips and annab2 like this.
  14. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
     
    villager, annab2, Zarp and 1 other person like this.
  15. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    "Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."
     
    villager, leon Phillips and annab2 like this.
  16. MacRomax

    MacRomax New Member

    Good one on the blessed innocence of little ones ! Reminds me of one I heard a long time ago and here it is :

    A X-year old girl and her X-year old brother were playing at home when their parents were away. Suddenly, the girl decided to have a bath and went to the bathroom. She took off her frock and was about to take off her undies when her little brother knocked on the door and said, "Hey, sis. I am getting bored. Can I come in to play with you ?"
    The prude sister replied,"No, you can't. I'm in my undies.Mom says little boys shouldn't see little girls in their undies."
    The little brother sighed with great disappointment, "Oh, shit ! Now what can I do ?"
    The wise little sis advised," You can come in, now. I have taken my undies off."
     
  17. whenindoubtwhipitout

    whenindoubtwhipitout Trusted.Member

    filerL27h6_0.png
    Duplicate Picture Removed
     
  18. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    One night thief entered some random house to rob it, suddenly he heard a voice telling him "Jesus is watching you". He scared a little bit and continued looking for some valuable stuff. Then again he heard "Jesus is watching you". This time he was sure he heard it and turned on the light and there was a parrot and he said again "Jesus is watching you". Thief asked him "And, what's your name". parrot answered "Moses". Thief "What stupid guy named you Moses". Parrot "Same stupid guy who named his pit bull Jesus!"
     
    villager, leon Phillips and annab2 like this.
  19. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

  20. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people. Bush asks how he knows if they`re intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate." Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Manmohan immediately responds, It`s me, Sir! " "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Kalam. He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I`ll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he`d better put the Condoleeza Rice to the test. Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condoleeza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What`s on your mind?" Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves. Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem. "Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It`s me, of course." Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It`s our Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, its Manmohan Singh!"
     
    villager, leon Phillips and amiraj like this.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.