For shits and giggles...

It's giving me idea's about other things lol

 

ROFLMAO!!!!

 

And Muff is the one who trained him lol

 

Now that you mention it... everything DOES make me horny. Where did I put that damn lube?!

 

I know that Amy will like this one.

 

A Man With No Enemies
Meet Walter Barnes-All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.
"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned to face the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."

Then he calmly returned to his seat.

 

THE TOOTHBRUSH SALESMAN

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies, and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit. And I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good, "said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Debbie," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked up to the from of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,497," he said. $2,497?" echoed the teacher, "...what in the world were you selling?"


"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher again, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," he said. "I set up a Dip and Chip Stand and I gave everyone who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing: 'Hey, this tastes like dog poop!' I would reply, "It is dog poop. Want to buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you its free, then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got 5 stars for his assignment. Bless his little heart.

 

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but, when you’re over seventy...............who cares?



I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares



I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares?



I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Cost me a bloody nose, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares?



I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares?

 

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