A Joke For Today

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So a Roman centurion walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a martinus.​

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" You mean a martini ? " the bartender asks.​

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The Roman replies, " If I had wanted a double, I wouldd have asked for it. "​

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Old joke, but still funny --

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be
faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind
of undertaking. The supports to the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust every natural resource I have made. I can do it, but it
is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she
gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

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A man walked into a doctor's office, and the receptionist asked him what he had.

" I got shingles, " he replied.

" Fill out this form, " she said, " and supply your name, address, and medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat. "

Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had.

" I got shingles, " he replied.

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, Then she said, " Change into this gown and wait in the examining room. "

A half hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

" I got shingles, " he replied.

So she gave him a blood test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later, the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

" I got shingles, " he replied.

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, " I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find any sign of shingles. "

The man replied, " They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them ? "​

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A man is hiring for an accounting position, and is conducting interviews for each of the hopefuls. The first accountant walks in and starts to introduce himself.

Accountant1: I'm here for the accounting position

Boss: What's 2+2 ?

Accountant1: 4

Boss: Get out

Sad, disappointed, and a little confused, the accountant slowly leaves the office. Then a new, fresh accountant comes in.

Accountant2: Hey I'm here for the accounting position

Boss: What's 2+2 ?

Accountant2: 4

Boss: Get out.

Just as confused as accountant1, number 2 leaves thinking that if the boss is that stupid he doesn't want to work there anyways. On the way out, a new accountant walks into the office.

Accountant3: Hi, I'm here for accounting position

Boss: what's 2+2 ?

Accountant3: Anything you want it to be.

Boss: You're hired !​

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jajaja

 

I had to save a few of these. Funny!

 

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the

Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!'
There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw him!'

Isn't senility wonderful?

 

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

 

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A man and a woman start to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, " Damn, I wish I had a flashlight. "

The woman says, " So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes ! "

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A musical director was having a lot of trouble with a particular percussionist.

He had talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, " When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer. "

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: " And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

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A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!" "Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding." "No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about how much I spent on it." "Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars." "No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket." "Airplane ticket? What did you need an airplane ticket for?" "Well mother, when I went to cook it, I read the directions on the back and they said, "PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE," so I had to fly Alaska."

 

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan, when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. So he said to the female whale, " Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time. That should cause the ship to turn over and sink. "

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, " Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. "

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. " Look, " she said, " I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen. "​

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lol