A Joke For Today

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School .
One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part
which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered 'spine'are doctors today. The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

 

In church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs" who wants to beprayed over,
please come forward to the front by the altar."With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand on Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.



After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing?"Leroy answered, " I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

 

Dentata

One day, a young boy caught sight of his mother changing, and asked her what she had between her legs.​

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" That's something that you're never going to talk about again, " she replied, " and you shouldn't touch it, because it has teeth. "​

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Many years went by, and the boy never touched any girl in between her legs, because he was very scared of being bitten.​

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One day, however, he met the love of his life, and they eventually got married.​

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On their wedding night, his wife asked him to touch her there.​

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" Oh no, " he said. " That thing's got teeth ! "​

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" Silly goose ! " she retorted. Then she spread her legs wide for him to see. ​

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" See ? No teeth ! "​

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" Well, I'm not surprised, " he replied. " Not with such soft gums like that. " ​

John

 

This one is from the Texan Canadian website mentioned here ...

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm, when his friend Doug stops him and asks,

" Hey Bob ! Whacha get the case of beer for ? "

" I got it for my wife, eh. " answers Bob.

" Oh ! " exclaims Doug, " Good trade. "

John

 

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman get twisted at the local pub one night, and conspire to rob the local bank.

Drunk as they are, they try and rob the place, but are too drunk to pull it off. As the alarms scream, they leg it out of the bank and down the alley.

Hot on their heals are the cops, responding to the alarm. As the three drunks round a bend, they spot a Cats and Dogs Home, and jump over the fence into the kennel yard. They see three burlap sacks lying on the ground and they each crawl into an empty bag.

The cops leap over the fence behind them and spot the three bulging sacks on the ground. One cop kicks the first sack and the Englishman says, "Bark! Bark!"

"Ah, must be a dog!" says the cop and he kicks the second sack. The Scotsman says, "Meow!" and the cop nods his head, exclaiming, "Must be cats!"

Then he turns his focus on the last sack, kicking it sharply. The Irishman cries out, "Potatoes!"

John

 

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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, " He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. "

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that a couple nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

" Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. " Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong. "

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, " And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today ! "

John

 

..
The Texan, the Canadian, and a guy from Florida

A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Florida are out riding horses.

The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of Bourbon, takes a shot, then another, and then suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air.

The Canadian looks aghast at him and says, " What are you doing ? That was a perfectly good bottle of Bourbon ! "

The Texan says, " In Texas, there's plenty of Bourbon and bottles are cheap. "

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of Rye, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his borrowed gun and shoots it.

The guy from Florida can't believe this and says, " What did you do that for ? That was an expensive bottle of Rye ! "

The Canadian says, " In Canada, there's plenty of Rye and bottles are cheap. "

So a while later, the guy from Florida pulls out a bottle of Orange Cooler. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian.

The Texan, shocked, says, " Why did you do that ? "

The guy from Florida says, " Well, in Florida we have plenty of Canadians, but return bottles are worth a dime. "

John

 

Bill Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking "Street Corner girl". She sees this and calls out: “Fifty dollars!” He is tempted, but the price is a little high. So he calls back: “Five!” She is disappointed and turns away and Bill continues his jog.

A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the "Street Corner girl". is still there. But she want not come down on her price. “Fifty!” she shouts and Bill answers her: “Five!” No sale.

About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same "Street Corner girl". is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells: “See what you get for five dollars!”

 

..
Jokes Which A Belgian Might Tell ...

Why do we say ‘going to the toilets’ in France and ‘going to the toilet’ in Belgium ?
Because in France, you have to visit many of them before finding one clean enough.

Why do the Dutch people love the Belgian-jokes so much ?
They are cheap.

Sorry, slisse ... John

 

..
A Joke Which A Belgian Might Hear ...

The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch keep making jokes implying that the Belgians are dumb.

So he goes to King Willem of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch.

Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says, " Okay, we will build a bridge in the Sahara Desert. "

Soon, the Dutch become the laughing stock of the world.

The king of Belgium is pleased, so he eventually says to king Willem, " Ha ha that was funny. You can remove the bridge now. "

King Willem responds, " We can't right now, because there are still Belgians on it trying to fish. "

Sorry again ... John

 

Stockings and Garter

I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend Jamie's stockings and garter as she crossed her legs. So I whispered in her ear, " We know how this ends, so let's leave now before the final curtain. I've got plans for you. "

She said, " We can't, it would be rude to just get up and walk out. "

I said, " Of course we can. "

She said, " But John, it's your wife's funeral ! "

John

 

An Aussie ventriloquist goes on holiday in NZ, wandering about the place, he sees an old timer on his verandah,
so he goes to have some fun with him.
He asks if he can talk to the old timers dog, the man laughs and says dogs can't talk, so go right ahead.
The Aussie asks the dog various questions which thedog answered, the old timer is stunned.
So the Aussie does the same to the horse across the wire fence.
He has a lively conversation with the horse and the old guy is baffled.
Then the Aussie spots a sheep in the back, but the old timer says, don't talk to the sheep, it is a liar.

 

some of these are pretty funny

 

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

 

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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

" Brenda, may I come in ? " he asks. " I've somethin' to tell ya. "

" Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband ? "

" That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery. "

" Oh, God no ! " cries Brenda. " Please don't tell me... " " I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry ."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. " How did it happen, Tim ? "

" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned. "

" Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly ? "

" Well, no Brenda, no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee. "

John

 

Confession of the Nuns

When nuns are admitted to Heaven, they go through a special gate, and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved. "And so, " says St. Peter to the first in line, " have you ever had any contact with a penis ? "

" Well, " she replies, " I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger. "

" Okay. " says St. Peter, " Just dip your fingertip into the holy water to cleanse it, and then pass on into Heaven. "

The next nun admits, " Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit. "

" Okay, " says St. Peter, " Rinse your whole hand in the holy water to cleanse it, and then pass on into Heaven. "

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line, and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

" Well now, what's going on here ? " asks St. Peter.

" Well, your excellency, " says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, " If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it. "

John

 

..
One night, a little boy was awakened by noise coming from his parents bedroom. As he silently stood by the door and peeked through the keyhole, he saw his mother and father having sex.

So the next morning, he asked his mother what they were doing. She replied, " Well, that's how you get babies. "

The following night, the incident repeated itself, and the little boy saw his mother putting his Dad's penis in her mouth.

So the next morning he asked his mother the same question.

She replied, " That's how you get jewelry. "

John

 

..
A young lady goes to her mum after school and tells her, " Mummy mummy, I just saw Michael's willy. "

Well, mum is shocked, and the little girl continues, " And, it was like a peanut ! "

Mum giggles, and replies, " Why ? was it small ? "

" No, mum. " she says, " It was salty. "

John

 

The Greatest Invention

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, " Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven. "

So Mr. Ford thinks about it and says, " I want to hang out with Adam, the first man. "

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, " Say aren't you the inventor of woman ? "

Adam says, "Why yes, I am. "

" Well, " says Ford, " You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protrusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust. "

" Hmmmmm. ." says Adam, " hold on. " So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.

He then says to Ford, " It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the computer, more men are riding my invention than yours. "

John