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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. joejoejoe85

    joejoejoe85 New Member

    This is so great
     
    joejoejoe85, Jul 8, 2015
    #341
  2. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    "Two brothers got together and decided to start a ranch. They set everything up, but couldn't decide on a name. So they went to their mother and asked her what should they call their ranch. The mother thought for a while and said Focus. The brothers looked puzzled and ask why Focus. The mother said, because that's where the sons raise meat."

    No good pun should go un-pun-ished. Bad ones doubly so. :confused:
     
    Neophyte, Jul 8, 2015
    #342
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  3. decado1

    decado1 New Member

    What is trust?
    When one cannibal give the other cannibal a blow job.
     
    decado1, Jul 12, 2015
    #343
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  4. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    Some riddles any kid should know. :p

    When is a door not a door?

    What is black and white and red all over?

    What is green and red and goes 100 miles per hour?

    You have 2 U.S. coins that add up to 30 cents and one is not a nickle. What are they?

    How many jelly beans can you put into an empty gallon jar?

    How far can you run into the woods?

    What can you take away from but it still gets bigger?

    Which is faster heat or cold?

    Which weight's more a ton of feathers or a ton of lead?

    Which word rhymes with orange?

    It's good to be silly every once in a while.
     
    Neophyte, Jul 13, 2015
    #344
    scouter_John and jamie jackson like this.
  5. texasj65

    texasj65 Deviant Extraordinaire

    For some reason, I found this hilarious......
    fromthefuture.jpg
     
    texasj65, Jul 15, 2015
    #345
    scouter_John, kool69 and jamie jackson like this.
  6. leftout4

    leftout4 Trusted.Member

    I don't get it...must need more pictures.
     
    leftout4, Jul 16, 2015
    #346
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  7. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    .
    Fred and Jamie at Breakfast

    Well, good old Fred and Jamie had been married for fifty years.

    One morning, they were sitting at the breakfast table, when Fred said to Jamie, " Just think, honey, we've been married for fifty years ! "

    " Yeah, " Jamie replied, " Just think ... fifty years ago today, we were sitting here at this very same breakfast table together. "

    "I know," Fred said, " and we were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds, too ! "

    " Well, " Jamie snickered, " What do you say ... should we ? "

    Whereupon, the two stripped down to the buff, and sat down again at the table.

    " You know, Fred honey, " said little old Jamie breathlessly, " My nipples are just as hot for you as they were fifty years ago. "

    " I wouldn't be surprised ! " replied Fred, " One's in your coffee and the other one's in your oatmeal ! "

    :) Jamie ... luvs ya, Fred
     
    jamie jackson, Jul 19, 2015
    #347
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  8. joep

    joep Trusted.Member


    OK, that had me literally laughing out loud!
     
    joep, Jul 20, 2015
    #348
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  9. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    King Arthur was heading off for the Crusades when he called one of his squires and said, "Here is the key to Guinevere's chastity belt. If in ten years I haven't returned you may use the key."

    His Majesty crossed the drawbridge and set off along a long, dusty road. He stopped, turned his horse and took one last look at his castle.

    Whereupon the squire rushed toward him yelling, "Stop! Your Majesty! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key!"
     
    Neophyte, Jul 20, 2015
    #349
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  10. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something.

    A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. 'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

    'Ah, sire, just observe.' said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

    'Merlin, you are a genius!' said the grateful monarch, 'Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.' After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

    Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Lancelot.

    'Sir Lancelot,' exclaimed King Arthur, 'The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!'

    But Sir Lancelot was speechless...
     
    Neophyte, Jul 20, 2015
    #350
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  11. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    .
    A Case of Mistaken Identity

    Superman is flying around the city, feeling as horny as hell.

    Then he suddenly sees Wonder Woman all spread eagled, naked on top of a tall building. Superman thinks, " This is my chance ! "

    So he swoops down, and faster than a speeding bullet bangs her, and is cum and gone in the blink of an eye.

    Wonder Woman sits up and says, " What the hell was that ? "

    The Invisible Man rolls off of her and says, " I have no idea, but it hurt like hell ! "

    Jamie
     
    jamie jackson, Jul 21, 2015
    #351
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  12. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Fred and Jamie Discuss Matters

    Jamie : " Fred, what did you accomplish today ? "

    Fred : " Nothing, Jamie. "

    Jamie : " But Fred, you did nothing yesterday ! "

    Fred : " Yes, but I wasn't finished yet. "

    Jamie
     
    jamie jackson, Jul 22, 2015
    #352
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  13. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    A poor little lonely old lady lived in a house with only her cat as a friend. One day, the lights went out as she sat knitting; she had been unable to pay the electric bill. So, she went up to the attic and got an old oil lamp from her childhood. As she rubbed it clean a genie appeared and allowed her three wishes.
    "First, I want to be so rich I never have to worry about money again.''
    "Second, I want to be young and beautiful again.''
    "And last, I want you to change my little cat into a handsome prince.''
    As you would expect, there was a loud explosion, with a lot of thick smoke. As the smoke cleared she saw she was surrounded by big bags of coins, and that in the mirror was a young beautiful woman. She turned as the handsome prince walked in the door, held her in his arms and said, "Now I'll bet you're sorry you took me to the vet for that little operation."
     
    Neophyte, Jul 24, 2015
    #353
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  14. curiousFred

    curiousFred Trusted.Member

     
    curiousFred, Jul 25, 2015
    #354
    jamie jackson likes this.
  15. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    .
    This one is also from the 'IB Vault' and also from way back in 2008.

    (They let me in there every so often ... just as long as I don't play with anything sharp ... and it's amazing what one can find in there.)

    The following joke, for example, was submitted by none less than our fearless furry leader ! When he was merely a cub ! And I am hoping that he won't mind my resurrecting it, in all of its original excellence ...

    Hillbilly's Outhouse

    Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in West Virginia out on a farm up in the hills.Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college graduate."So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College graduate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

    The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."

    Pa thanks the neighbour, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite . spreading poop all over the farm.

    WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.....Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!" As she pulls up her panties she says..."Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen."

    G.B.
     
    jamie jackson, Jul 25, 2015
    #355
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  16. curiousFred

    curiousFred Trusted.Member

    Some of the old jokes recycle so well, they will never age, I am always happy to encounter them again, years later.
     
    curiousFred, Jul 27, 2015
    #356
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  17. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    .
    Okay, another one from 'The IB Vault' ... and again from our favourite bear.

    ( Hey, he used to be real funny back then ... what did you all do to him before I got here ? :D )

    The Two Nuns

    There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

    It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

    SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

    SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

    SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

    SM: It's not working.

    SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

    SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

    SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

    So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

    Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent, and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

    Then Sister Logical arrives.

    SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

    SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

    SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

    SM: And?

    SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

    SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

    SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

    SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

    SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

    SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

    SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

    And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys!

    Grizzly Bear78, Jun 23, 2008
    #1
     
    jamie jackson, Jul 27, 2015
    #357
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  18. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    The Frozen Bird

    A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

    While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

    The dung was actually thawing him out!
    He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

    A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

    Morals of the story:
    (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
    (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
    (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
     
    Neophyte, Jul 30, 2015
    #358
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  19. elisejacobs

    elisejacobs Elise & Peter xxx

    thank you lol
     
    elisejacobs, Jul 30, 2015
    #359
    Neophyte likes this.
  20. muffdiver

    muffdiver RIP (1948-2017)

    So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, which is a good find for many retirees, unfortunately I lasted less than a day.
    About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. Per my greeter training manual I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.” “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
    The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
    So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, madam. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”
    My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
     
    muffdiver, Aug 7, 2015
    #360
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