A Joke For Today

In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels , where there is a large German-speaking population.One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher’s stock pond. The rancher rolled down the window and shouted:”Sehr angenehm!Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.” Which means: “Glad to meet you! Don’t drink the water. The cows have pooped in it.”The man shouted back: “I’m from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama’s health care plan. I can’t understand you. Please speak in English.”The rancher replied: “Use both hands.”

 

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD ?

 

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Stepping On Ducks

Sadly, three ladies died in a car crash, but fortunately they all arrived in Heaven.

" Okay, " said God, " I know all you three have been very nice people throughout your life, so your are free to do whatever you please in Heaven - just do not step on the ducks. "

And sure enough, when they were walking around Heaven there were ducks everywhere, and it was hard not to step on them.

Unfortunately, one of the ladies did so.

" What was the one thing I told you not to do ? " God asked her. And with a click of his fingers, she was handcuffed to the most ugly man she had ever seen in her life.

A couple of weeks passed, and it was growing more and more difficult not to step on the ducks. And yes, the next woman stepped on one.

" I told you not to step on the ducks, " God said to her, and with another click of his fingers she was cuffed to the ugliest man she had ever seen.

But the third lady was very careful, and after three years she had never stepped on a duck. Then, all of a sudden, she was cuffed to the most gorgeous man she had ever seen.

So she said, " I don't know what I have done, but it must have been something really good ! "

And the man replied, " Well, I don't know what you did either, but I stepped on a duck. "



Jamie

 

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently.

"The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two words?"

 

Catholic Hair Dryer:

In parochial school, students are taught lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised using a bit of imagination was OK, to express the Truth differently without lying. Below a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman, on a flight from Ireland , asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument, designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

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Ursula's South America Vacation

When Ursula got back from vacation, Candace was so curious to know how good a time she had.

" Well, Candace, if you must know, I slept with a Brazilian, " Ursula told her.

Candace was shocked, and replied, " Oh my God ! Ursula, you slut ! How many is a brazilion ? "



Jamie

 

The talking dog

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.​

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"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"​

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"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"​

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"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."​

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So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.​

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About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.​

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"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.​

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"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"​

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"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"​

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"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.​

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At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.​

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So he shoots the dog.​

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When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.​

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"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"​

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"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal , like he usually does".​

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"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"​

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The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"​

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"I sure did, Dad!"​

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"That's my boy!"​

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The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman​

 

Fred The Egg Man & His Smart Old Rooster Butch

> > Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

>> He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

>> >> This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

>> >> Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

>> >> Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

>> >> Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

>> >> When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

>> >> To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

>> >> He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

>> >> Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

>> >> The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

>> >> Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

>> >> Vote carefully in the next election, you can’t always hear the bells.

 

A fine day was had by gran Zinger, until her tits got caught in the wringer, foaming at the mouth, she tore through the house and there was fuck all for dinner.

 

Remember the Brisbane show very well (The 'Ekka), between the 'Valley and Bowen Hills. Usually parked in the Car-Park across from the hospital where my first daughter was born. Or you could just as easily get the QR Train in.

One of the best shows we ever had was Expo 88 (We do it Great in the Sunshine State).

Cheers

 

A Man For All Reasons

A lady put an advertisement in the paper, saying that she wished for a man who wouldn’t beat her, wouldn’t run away from her, and mostly, would satisfy her in bed.

Well, she got scores of replies, but still couldn't find what she was looking for.

After a while, she was about to give up, when one day the door bell rang. And when she opened the door, there was a man with neither arms nor legs, sitting in a wheelchair on her porch.

So she said, " May I help you ? "

He replied, " Yes ... I am here about your ad. "

She replied, " Forgive me, sir, but are you sure that you can help me ? "

He says, " Well, " he replied, " Number one, I don’t have any arms, so I can’t beat you. And number two, I don’t have any legs, so I can’t run away from you. "

She inserted, " Yes, that's all good. But how do you plan to help me with that third thing ? "

He smiled and replied, " Well, I rang the door bell didn’t I ? "



Jamie

 

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?" "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25." Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!" George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat
dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

 

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' " She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby
dooby, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?" "Why yes, I do. How did you know?" The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."

 

All right Mr. Whenindoubt that last one put a smile on my face. Guess it was your daily act of kindness. For some reason it struck my funny bone. Good one.

J.S.

 

The guy says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting it up." The doctor examines him and says, "You'll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don't you go home and discuss it with your wife?" The next day the guy comes back into the doctor's office. The doctor says, "What did you decide?" He says, "We're going to re-do the kitchen."

 

It was a sad, rainy day and a large puddle had formed outside a pub. A ragged old man was squatting there, a stick in his hand with a string in the puddle.
A man came by, saw the scenario and asked him what he was doing. The old man looked up, smiled and said "just fishing".
What a fool, thought the man, but feeling generous offered to buy the old man a drink. They sat quietly for a couple of minutes, savouring their drink.
Breaking the silence the man asked how many he had caught this morning.

"You're the tenth", replied the old man.

 

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."

"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."

 

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."

 

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."