A Joke For Today

A Texan is drinking in a Colorado bar when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced a baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average in Texas, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."
Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks...so how much does he weigh now?
"The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".
God Bless Texas!!!

 

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long
time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?"

 

Those two stories were very compelling!

 

Whenindoubt that is one of the best Texas jokes I ever heard. You are right God does blesses Texas. Just look at us wise men from Texas.

J.S.

 

A traveling salesman's car broke down near a farmhouse.The farmer told the salesman that it's getting dark and it's fifty miles to the next town."Well you can stay with us tonight my good man."The farmer said."Well thank you very much,just show me my room please."The salesman said."Um,we don't have a spare room but you may sleep with my son."The farmer said.The salesman looked at the farmer and said"Sir I think I'm in the wrong joke."

 

The Typewriter Code


A husband and wife decided that they needed to use code to indicate that they wanted to have sex, so that they wouldn't let their children in on it.

So they decided to use messages referring to a typewriter.

One day, the husband asked his young child, " Please go tell your mommy, that daddy needs to type a letter. "

So the child told her mother what her father had said, and her mom responded, " Please tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now, because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter. "

And the child went back to tell her father what her mommy had said.

A couple of days later, the mother told the child, " Okay, you can tell your daddy that he can type that letter now. "

So the child told her father. Then she returned to her mother and announced, " Daddy said never mind with the typewriter now, he has already written today's letter by hand. "



Jamie

 

That's cute. Funny.

 

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a
sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed
the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the
customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by
now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?'

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly
afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and
while keeping his head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you.'

 

A man in rural Wyoming wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.


The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.

"When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog."​

 

A midget went to the doctor because he was experiencing pain in his testicles.

The doctor examined him with the routine turn your head and cough exam and told the midget he could do a little cutting and solve the problem.

The midget asked if the procedure would be painful, and the Doc said "No I doubt you will feel a thing."

The midget consented and the doctor took out a large pair of scissors and as he walked toward the midget, the midget closed his eyes and heard SNIP SNIP SNIP Then silence for a second and again heard SNIP SNIP SNIP. The doc told the midget to walk around the room and see if he felt any better. To his amazment the midget no longer felt any more pain.

The midget said "DOC, that was amazing!! Whatever you did worked great and I felt absoultely no pain during the procedure. What did you do?"

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

 

In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.

In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about the power of prayer, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means".

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."

 

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The Two Statues

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, had faced each other in a city park.

Then one day, an angel came down from Heaven.

" You have been such exemplary statues, " the angel said, " that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want. "

And with a clap of her hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly and dashed for the bushes, from whence there came a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.

" You still have fifteen more minutes, " said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, " Great ! Only this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head ! "



Jamie

 

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Candace & Ursula and the Flower Shop

Candace and Ursula were walking past a flower shop, when Candace saw one of her suitors buying her flowers.

" Dammit, Ursula, would you look at that ? " Candace sighed, " One of my would-be-boyfriends is buying me flowers again. "

" Oh Candace, " Ursula replied, " What could be so wrong with that ? "

" Well, " Candace continued, " Now I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air. "

" Candace, " answered Ursula affectionately, " You are sooo blonde. Why don't you just buy a vase ? "



Jamie

 

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.

"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the first man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"

The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else ... a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

 

Father's choice

There was a Green Beret who had four daughters. He was in a habit of worrying about his daughters and always answered the door with a sawed-off shotgun.
One night he hears a knock at the door and finds a young man standing there. The young man says: "My name is Freddy. I've come to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. I hope she's ready." The Green Beret thought that was cute so he let them go out.

Pretty soon another knock on the door and another young man was there. He said: "My name is Lance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance. Is she ready by chance?" Again the Green Beret thought it was cute and let them go.

Soon another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said: "My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" Once again the Green Beret thought it was cute and he let them go.

Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He said: "My name is Chuck," The Green Beret shot him.​

 

But, You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Ben's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Ben's roommate,
Jennifer, was. Ben's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic
relationship between Ben and Jennifer, and this had only made her more
curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Ben and Jennifer than met
the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Ben saying, 'Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Ben said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be
sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains
that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Ben

Several days later, Ben received an email back from his mother that
read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer was
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY -
NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

 

The Closet
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them,
and hides in the bedroom closet.
Then the woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$250'
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are ;in the closet together..
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football helmet.
'The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy,
'Grab your helmet and football, let's go outside and have a game of football.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and helmet.'
The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '$1,000.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is far more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy
sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that ******** again.
You're in my closet now.'

 

Two For One

One day, a cop driving down the street saw two ladies holding a sign that read, " Two girls for the price of one ! ".

So he stops and tells them to get rid of the sign, or he will run them in for soliciting.

They comply, and they watch as he proceeds down the street, only to wave and pass by a man with a sign that says " Jesus Saves. "

So the next day, they are waiting on the cop to drive by, and as he does they flag him down. And they say that they saw him let the guy down the street keep his sign, and they didn’t think that he was fair with them.

" You two whores, " the cop says, " That was a religious sign ! " And then he drove off.

And on the next day he drives by, the gals are holding p ua new sign that reads, " Two fallen angels looking for Peter ! "



Jamie

 

THE DEAD COW LECTURE

This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard.

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal’s body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."