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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. hambi

    hambi New Member

    Nice:)
     
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  2. whenindoubtwhipitout

    whenindoubtwhipitout Trusted.Member

    A policeman calls on the radio:
    Officer, "Is that you Sarge?"
    Sarge, "Yes"
    Officer, "We have a case here, a woman shot her husband for walking on the floor she just mopped clean."
    Sarge, "Have you arrested the woman yet?"
    Officer, "No sir....the floor is still wet."
     
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  3. whenindoubtwhipitout

    whenindoubtwhipitout Trusted.Member

    An Irishwoman of advanced age visited her physician to ask His help In reviving her Husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin". "Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went". It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!". "Really? What happened" asked the doctor? "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!" "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"? "Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
     
  4. whenindoubtwhipitout

    whenindoubtwhipitout Trusted.Member

    "marijuana filled firewood"

    'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'

    Yes. What can I do for you?'

    'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'

    'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

    The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no
    marijuana.

    They sneer at Virgil and leave.

    Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

    Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'

    'Yeah!'

    'Did they chop your firewood?'

    'Yep!'

    'Happy Birthday, buddy!'​
     
  5. Nick_Naylor

    Nick_Naylor Trusted Member

    I don't have very many but I'll give it my best shot.

    A boy and his father were playing catch in the park when the boy spots two dogs humping. He turns to his father and says, "Dadddy, Daddy what are those two dogs doing"? His father didn't want to tell him about the birds and the bee's yet so he thought fot a minute and replied, "Well son their making puppies ". The boy really didn't give it much thought and went back to playing catch. Later that evening when the boy was in bed he started to think about the dogs making puppies. He got out of bed and went to his parents room. He burst into the room and noticed his dad was on top of his mom. The boy looked at his dad and said, "Daddy, Daddy what are you doing to mommy"? His father remembered what he said to him earlier about the dogs in the park so he replied, " Well son we're making babies". The boy thought for a second and says, " Well then turn her over, I'd rather have puppies ".
     
  6. Nick_Naylor

    Nick_Naylor Trusted Member

    Did you hear about what the dyslexic devil worshiper did?

    He sold his soul to Santa. . . . . .
     
  7. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member



    Now that is clever ... thanks.

    :) Jamie
     
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  8. whenindoubtwhipitout

    whenindoubtwhipitout Trusted.Member

    On a related note, CNN pointed out that since singer Susan Boyle -- who admits to still being a virgin -- has been on television, there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings. Apparently many of the terrorists didn't realize what a virgin looked like?
     
  9. whenindoubtwhipitout

    whenindoubtwhipitout Trusted.Member

    A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.



    He approaches the bartender and asks,



    "What's with the money in the jar?"



    "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."



    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"



    "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."



    So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10which he stuffs into the jar.



    "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:



    First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."



    "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."



    "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."



    The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"



    "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is.."



    As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"



    He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can..



    Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!



    Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!



    Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.



    He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
     
  10. incestfan67

    incestfan67 Trusted.Member

    A couple was married two weeks before Easter.On their wedding night the bride asked her new husband:Well,are we going to make love now?"The husband looked at his new bride and said"I can't,it's Lent!"The bride then looked at her husband and said"To who and for how long?"
     
  11. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Things Could Be Worse

    Hey, guys ... if you ever are thinking that your sex life isn't quite what it should be ...

    Consider the plight of the good old egg :

    You get laid only once in life, and you only get eaten once in life.

    It takes you four minutes to get hard, but only two minutes for you to get soft.

    You have to share your box with eleven other guys ...

    ... and worst of all, the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother.

    :) Jamie
     
  12. whenindoubtwhipitout

    whenindoubtwhipitout Trusted.Member

    "You have to share your box with eleven other guys ..."

    That reminds me of what my mom always said, " I may not have my cherry but I got the box it came in."
     
  13. whenindoubtwhipitout

    whenindoubtwhipitout Trusted.Member

    A young Swedish woman, old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding a train...

    The train goes through a tunnel and it becomes pitch black in the car, a loud SMACK is heard... the train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek.

    The Swedish girl thinks "I bet he tried to grope me and accidentally got the old woman and she slapped him..."

    The Dutch woman thinks "He must have groped the Swedish girl and she slapped him..."

    The Englishman thinks "The Irishman must have groped the Swedish girl and she accidentally slapped me..."

    And the Irishman thinks "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that English guy again."
     
  14. whenindoubtwhipitout

    whenindoubtwhipitout Trusted.Member

    An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. All three sit at the bar and order a pint of ale. All three beers are delivered. All three beers have a fly in them. Repulsed, the Englishman pushes his glass away. The Scotsman nimbly fishes the fly out of his pint and commences drinking. The Irishman fishes the fly out of his beer, holds it over his glass and says "Alright, you thieving little bastard... Spit it out."
     
  15. annab2

    annab2 Trusted Member"It ain't pretty being easy!"


    Good play on words!
     
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  16. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    The Union Man

    A union man arrived in Las Vegas, and the first thing he wanted to do was check out the 'houses' he’d heard about, and see if the ladies were getting a proper deal.

    When he went to the first house, the madame answered the door.

    " Good day, " he said, " I was wondering, if I gave you a hundred dollars for a girl, how much of that hundred would go to the house, and how much would go to the girl ? "

    The madame answered, " Eighty dollars would go to the house, and twenty dollars to the girl. "

    Being a union man, he decided that it wasn’t fair, and declined the madam’s offer to enter the premises.

    Subsequently, he went to many such houses, and the answer was pretty well the same to his question.

    Then finally, at one house he surveyed, the madame told him that ninety dollars would go to the girl, and ten dollars would go to the house.

    This impressed the union man so much, that he entered at her invitation. And he immediately noticed a beautiful blonde, with a marvellous body, sitting on the couch.

    So he pulled out his wallet, handed the madame a hundred dollar bill and said, " I would really like to be with that blonde over there. "

    " I’m sure you would, " replied the madame, " but ninety year old Edna sitting over there has seniority. "

    [​IMG]

    Jamie
     
  17. whenindoubtwhipitout

    whenindoubtwhipitout Trusted.Member

    Have You Ever Danced?
    An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

    The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

    He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

    The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

    The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

    A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

    The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

    When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

    The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

    The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

    The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

    The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

    The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

    The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's butt?"

    The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."



    There are a few lessons for us all here:

    Never be arrogant.
    Don't waste ammunition.
    Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
    Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
    Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
     
  18. whenindoubtwhipitout

    whenindoubtwhipitout Trusted.Member

    An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

    The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

    On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

    'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

    See.......Not All Seniors Are Senile
     
  19. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

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  20. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    The Gloves and the Panties

    A young man wished to purchase a special Anniversary present for his sweetheart. And after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves.

    So accompanied by his sweetheart’s sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of beautiful white gloves. And since she was there, the sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

    But during the wrapping, the items got mixed up, and the sweetheart's package got the panties. And unaware, the young man sealed it, and sent it to her with this note :

    Dearest Darling,

    This is a little gift to show my affection for you on our Anniversary.

    I chose these, because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove.

    These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked great.

    I wish I could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men’s hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on when you clean them, or they might shrink.

    Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing. And just think of how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.

    So I hope that you will like them, and will wear them for me on Friday night.

    All my love.
     
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