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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Account Deleted

    There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist.

    A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."

    She said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old, this hat is brand new!"
     
  2. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Dear London Boy,

    By the dimness of the text on your last letter, I can only conclude that you were out of breath at the time of its typing.

    I can feel your anxiety, sir ... Ladies in hats can be somewhat overwhelming at times, for the gentler gender.

    Yes, we old ladies have our priorities ... but relax, because we also appreciate gentlemen who notice.

    :)

    Jamie
     
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  3. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Account Deleted

    Oh, I notice you babe ;)
     
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  4. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    The Banker's New Suit

    A young banking executive decided to get his first tailor made suit.

    So, he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for it.

    A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, and felt that in this suit he could really do business.

    As he was preening himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets. And to his great surprise, he noticed that there were no pockets.

    So he mentioned this to the tailor, who then asked him, " Didn't you tell me you were a banker ? "

    The young man answered, " Yes, I did. "

    To this the tailor said, " Well, who has ever heard of a banker who puts his hands in his own pockets ? "

    :)

    Jamie
     
  5. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    The Toronto Maple Laughs

    Yes, that is (sadly) what we call our alleged hockey team, the Maple Leafs.

    You wouldn't know that they are a hockey team from watching them play, but it says so in the program.

    And here is what we fans talk about between intermissions, when there is nothing useful happening on the ice :

    Q: What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Titanic have in common? A: They both look good until they hit the ice!

    Q: What’s the difference between Frequent Flyer Miles and the Toronto Maple Leafs? A: Frequent Flyer Miles earn points.

    Q: Why do Maple Leafs fans drink from a saucer? A: Because the cup's always in Detroit!

    Q: Why did the Maple Leafs enforcer retire early? A: He was ice fishing and got run over by the zamboni!

    Q: Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? A: Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.

    Q: What do you call 5 Toronto Maple Leafs players standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. Q: Why are the Maple Leafs like grizzly bears? A: Every fall they go into hibernation.

    Q: What does a recent high school dropout and the Toronto Maple Leafs have in common? A: They’re both young, have no goals and no good prospects.

    Q: What’s the difference between a line of cocaine and a pair of Leaf tickets? A: People would pass up a pair of Leaf tickets.

    Q: What is it called when a Toronto Maple Leafs player blows in another Maple Leafs players ear? A: Data transfer.

    Q: What do college students and the Maple Leafs have in common? A: They’ve both finished their year by April.

    Q: What do a fine wine and the Toronto Maple Leafs have in common? A: They both spend a lot of time in the cellar, cost too much and are only enjoyed on select occasions.

    Q: Why is the Hockey Hall Of Fame in Toronto? A: It's the only way Leafs fans can get to see the Stanley Cup!

    Q: Why did the Post Office recall their latest stamps? A: They had pictures of Maple Leafs players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

    Q: What’s the difference between the Air Canada Centre and a red light district? A: In a red light district, you pay $300 bucks and somebody scores.

    Q: What’s the difference between the Toronto Raptors and the Toronto Maple Leafs? A: The Raptors shoot at a net.

    Q: Why are the Toronto Maple Leafs like Canada Post? A: They both wear uniforms and don't deliver!

    Anyways, I am getting tired of typing. These and all the rest are here.

    :)

    Jamie
     
  6. jerrilynn

    jerrilynn Trusted Member

  7. raj ahmed

    raj ahmed Trusted Member

    good thing :D
     
    leon Phillips likes this.
  8. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.

    The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, " A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 57 times last year. " The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, " See ! That was more than once a week ! "

    The second bull is to be sold, " Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year. " Again the wife bugs her husband, " Hey, that's more than twice a week. What do you say to that ? "

    Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison by now. The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year ! "

    The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, " That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you ? " The husband is pretty irritated by now and yells back, " Sure, once a day ! Great ! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow ! "

    :)

    Jamie
     
  9. Irish_Incest

    Irish_Incest Trusted.Member

  10. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Failed Musicals

    Not every Musical can make it to Broadway. This is a list of musicals that just couldn't make the cut :

    Jersey Boyz N The Hood

    Diddle Her On The Roof

    Pants Him At The Opera

    Guys and Blow-Up Dolls

    Jekyll & Hydroponics

    Bugspray Hair Gel

    Little Shop of Hoarders

    Little Shop of Whores

    Little Shop of Hors d'Oeuvres

    You're a Good Man, Charlie Sheen

    Damn Yankees, Fuckin' Mets

    Beauty and the Bestiality

    Beauty and the Yeast Infection

    Mary Poppin

    A Cocaine Line

    On A Clear Day You Can See Russia From My House

    Antichrist Superstar

    The Book of Moron

    The Loin King

    The Undergraduate

    Grease Fire

    The Producers Assistants

    How to Succeed in Business Without a Government Bailout

    Annie and Mitt Romney's Tax Returns

    Sweeny Todd Palin

    The Sound of Screaming

    Some Like It Hot; Most Like It Lukewarm

    Joseph and the Homosexual Dreamcoat

    A Mid Summer Nights Wet Dream

    Kanye West Side Story

    Legally Brunette

    Bald Stray Cats

    Rocky Horror Podcast Show

    The Seven Year Bitch

    Singing in the Snowstorm

    Saturday Night Influenza

    Hair By Trump

    Singing In the Drain

    :)

    Jamie
     
  11. Apolian

    Apolian New Member

    lol i have to admitt some of the jokes are pretty funny
     
  12. jerrilynn

    jerrilynn Trusted Member

  13. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Movie Titles ... One Letter Off

    Having given Broadway the business, let's now take a hunk out of Hollywood. Here are movie titles, with one letter difference.

    When Harry Pet Sally

    The Dork Knight Rises

    Lawrence Of A Labia

    Petty Woman

    Jurassic Pork

    Stare Wars

    How to Drain Your Dragon

    Girls Gone Mild

    Mission Is Possible

    Puss in Toots

    21 Hump Street

    John Farter of Mars

    The Fart and the Furious

    The Sexpendables

    Ho Framed Roger Rabbit

    King Dong

    Mobsters Inc

    Forrest Hump

    Tomorrow Never Diets

    Tush Hour

    The Beer Hunter

    Dead Man Wanking

    Gone With The Wino

    Apocolypse Cow

    Corn on the 4th of July

    A Fish Calmed Wanda

    Last Mango in Paris

    500 Lays of Summer

    Schindler's Lisp

    Children of the Porn

    T.W.A.T.

    Batmam

    12 Angry Hen

    Can't Bury Me Love

    The Cunt of Monte Crisco

    Top Nun

    Flush Gordon

    Escape From Bitch Mountain

    Lord of the Fries

    Bambo

    :)

    Jamie
     
  14. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Being 103 Years Old

    A reporter was interviewing a 103 year-old lady.

    " And what do you think is the best thing about being 103 ? " the reporter asked.

    " Finally ", she replied, " No peer pressure. "

    :)

    Jamie
     
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  15. Neophyte

    Neophyte Administrator Staff Member

    I guess this would make more sense, if I knew the rules for Curling. :p
     
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  16. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Yes, for sure :)

    It's a great game, but not as easy to play as it looks.

    :)

    Jamie
     
  17. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Career Day

    It was career day in elementary school, where each student talks about what their dad does.

    Little Johnny's turn came, and so the teacher called him to the front of the class.

    " My daddy is a dancer at a gay bar. He takes off his clothes for other men, and if they pay him enough money, he goes into the alley and performs sex acts on them. "

    The teacher was mortified, and she quickly called for an early recess for the rest of the class.

    Then she sat down with Johnny, and asked him if this was really true about his father.

    Johnny sadly confessed, " No. It's not true. But I was too embarrassed to say that he played for the Toronto Maple Leafs. "

    :(

    Jamie
     
  18. Grizzly Bear78

    Grizzly Bear78 Trusted Member

  19. Grizzly Bear78

    Grizzly Bear78 Trusted Member

  20. whenindoubtwhipitout

    whenindoubtwhipitout Trusted.Member

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