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A Joke For Today

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by jamie jackson, Jan 17, 2015.

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  1. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Account Deleted


    As if LoL :D
     
    jamie jackson likes this.
  2. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Oh my ... now I really think I am starting to like you !
     
    annab2, antoncg and londonboy49 like this.
  3. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Account Deleted


    Go and roll in the snow :D
     
    annab2, antoncg and jamie jackson like this.
  4. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Bath Trouble

    One day, a London boy went into town to select a new bath. And once it was purchased, he returned to his farm with it in the back of his truck.

    But after he had fitted it, no matter how hard he tried, he was unable to fill it.

    So eventually, he decided to call up his friend Jamie, and ask her why the water keeps running out of his new bath.

    Jamie answered the phone, and listened to her friend's problem. And after some thought, she asked him,
    " Now, London, did you remember to buy a plug for it ? "

    :)
     
  5. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Account Deleted

    Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha :D
     
  6. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Account Deleted

  7. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    How Things Really Happened

    One day, a long time ago, God came to Adam for a brief discussion.

    " Adam, I've got some good news, and some bad news for you. " God said.

    Adam looked thoughtfully at his Maker and replied, " Okay ... but could You please give me the good news first ? "

    God explained, " You see, Adam, I created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. "

    Adam politely interrupted and inquired, " Uh God, what is an Eve ? "

    To which God Replied, " You'll find out soon enough ... may I continue ? The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form, and begin populating the planet. And Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ, as she will with that organ, amongst other things, then be able to conceive children. "

    Adam, very excited, exclaimed, " Wow ! These are great and wonderful gifts You have given me. What could possibly be bad news, after such great tidings ? "

    God then looked upon Adam, and said with almost apologetic sorrow, " The bad news is, Adam, that I only gave you enough blood to operate one of those organs at a time. "

    :)

    Jamie
     
  8. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    It Gets Cold In Parts

    It is so darned cold up here, that the word is all over the news.

    So yesterday, my overseas relatives called me up on the phone.

    " Hey, Jamie, " they sympathized, " We hear that it is mighty cold over there. "

    " Yep, it sure can get cold in parts sometimes, " I assured them.

    " So, which parts ? " they inquired.

    " The parts I would rather keep warm. " I replied.

    :)

    Jamie
     
  9. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    The Art Collection

    One morning, a wealthy art collector called up his agent.

    " Hi Bob, nice to talk with you again. Say, how is my collection doing these days ? "

    " Well, Larry, " his agent said, " Your wife has just invested five thousand today, in two pictures that she figures are worth a minimum of two million. ”

    " That's great ! " Larry replied, " So which ones were they ? "

    To which Bob replied, " The ones she took of you screwing your secretary. "

    :)

    Jamie
     
  10. Grizzly Bear78

    Grizzly Bear78 Trusted Member

    Q.What do you call a man who shaves 15 times a day?

    A. A Barber:D
     
  11. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Fast Food

    Q: Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
    A: Because its finger licking good!

    Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?
    A: They can smell it but they cant eat it!

    Q: How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?
    A: He forgot to wrap his whopper.

    Q: What's thick, white and comes in your burger?
    A: McDonalds' staff.

    Q: What do you call a pig thief?
    A: A hamburglar.

    Q: Why is it called "Fast Food"?
    A: You're supposed to eat it really fast. Otherwise, you might actually taste it.

    Q: Where do they hold prizefights in Fastfoodland?
    A: In an onion ring!

    Q: Why did the man climb to the roof of the fast food restaurant?
    A: The told him the meal was on the house!

    Q: Where are the best tacos served?
    A: In the Gulp of Mexico!

    Q: What did the frog order at McDonald's?
    A: French flies and a diet Croak.

    Q: Would octopus make a good fast food?
    A: You must be squidding!

    Q: Where do burgers like to dance?
    A: At a meat ball!

    Q: What are the best days of the week in FastFoodland?
    A: Fry-day and Sundae!

    Q: When can a hamburger marry a hot dog?
    A: After they have a very frank relationship!

    Q: How is the trans-fat free Starbucks better than before?
    A: Their new trans-fat free Frappacino will pad your ass without clogging your arteries!

    Q: Did you hear about the hamburger who couldn't stop making jokes?
    A: He was on a roll!

    :)

    Jamie
     
  12. annab2

    annab2 Trusted Member"It ain't pretty being easy!"

    Shameful, shameful,shameful!....................."The shameful nature of these little jokes, is that I actually enjoyed each and every one of them!";)
     
  13. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Account Deleted

  14. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Breakfast in North America

    A Canadian lady is enjoying her breakfast of tea, croissants, bread, butter and jelly ... when an American guy, chewing gum, sits himself down next to her.

    " You Canadian folk eat the whole bread ? " he drawls.

    " Of course. " she replies.

    The American blows a huge gum bubble, " We don't. In America, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants, and sell them to Canada. "

    The Canadian listens in silence.

    The American persists, " Say, do you eat jelly with the bread ? "

    " Of course. " she replies.

    The American cracks his gum between his teeth, " We don't. In America, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jelly, and sell the jam to Canada. "

    The Canadian then asks, " Do you have sex in America ? "

    " Why of course we do, hun. " the American replies.

    " And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them ? " she continues.

    "We throw them away, of course."

    " We don't. " she says. " In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum, and sell them to America. "

    :)

    Jamie
     
  15. londonboy49

    londonboy49 Account Deleted

  16. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    The Lost Gravy Ladle

    One Day, Candace's mother visited her from out of town, and Candace had her over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful her daughter's roommate Ursula was.

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Candace and Ursula than met the eye.

    Reading her mom's thoughts, Candace later volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, Mom, but I assure you, Ursula and I are just roommates."

    About a week later, Ursula came to Candace and said, " Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find that beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you ? "

    Candace said, " Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure. "

    So he sat down and wrote: " Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains, that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Candace "

    Several days later, Candace received a letter back from her mother which read, " Dear Candace, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Ursula, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Ursula. But the fact remains, that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom "

    :)

    Jamie
     
  17. jerrilynn

    jerrilynn Trusted Member

  18. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Reliving Old Times

    An elderly couple were out celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary, and they decided to go to the place where they had first met.

    " Honey, " the husband asked, " You remember that fence out back, don't you ?

    " His wife replied, "Why, yes Harold. That's where we first made love. "

    The husband then suggested, " Well, how about we go relive the old time, eh ? ".

    His wife agreed. And the old couple walked to the fence, got themselves naked, and then start rocking and bucking like they were eighteen years old.

    Finally they collapsed off the fence, and fell onto the grass below.

    " Honey, I haven't felt myself so excited, and for you to have such stamina, in sixty years ! " the wife beamed.

    Her husband, still somewhat dazed, replied, " Yes. I guess, honey, that, sixty years ago, our old fence wasn't electrified. "

    :)

    Jamie
     
  19. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Two Out Of Three

    One time, a man was on an out-of-town buisness trip. And when out walking one night, he happened upon a gorgeous hooker.

    So he asked, " How much for a hand job ? "

    The hooker replied, " One hundred bucks. "

    The man replied, " 100 Bucks ! That's a lot of damn money. "

    So the hooker pulled him to the side and said, " See that Mercedes ? I paid for that by giving great hand jobs. "

    So he passed over the money, and proceeded to receive the greatest hand job he had ever had.

    The next night, he went out again, they met, and he asked, " How much for a head job ? "

    The hooker replied, " Two hundred bucks. "

    The man replied, " 200 Bucks ! That's a lot of damn money. "

    So the hooker pulled him to the side and said, " See that Yacht over there ? I paid for that by giving fine head jobs. "

    So he passed over the money, and proceeded to receive the finest head job he had ever had.

    On his last night there, he once more returned to the hooker and said, " Your hand job was indeed great, and your head job was truly fine. Okay, how much for the whole package ? "

    " One thousand dollars. "

    " 1000 Dollars !! That's a ridiculous anount of money ! "

    So the hooker pulled him to side and whispered to him, " Honey, you see that Island out there ? This hooker could afford that ... if only he had a pussy :). "

    Jamie
     
  20. jamie jackson

    jamie jackson Trusted Member

    Curling Joke For Keeper

    Top ten reasons why Curling is better than Sex :

    10. Men don't fall asleep when play is completed.
    9. In Mixed Curling, women always shoot first.
    8. The Iceman always cleans the sheets after you play.
    7. Short is not always bad.
    6. You can use your rubber more than once.
    5. You get to shoot your rocks 16 times in just one game.
    4. The harder you stroke, the further it goes.
    3. You can score more than once in each end.
    2. You can do it in eight houses in less than two hours.
    1. In Mixed Curling, it's acceptable to play with your best friend's wife !

    :)

    Jamie
     
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